De-Cluttering Progress Report

Yesterday, to inspire me while clearing out, I started listening to an audiobook called Throw Out Fifty Things by Gail Blanke.  She gives her clients the assignment of getting rid of 50 things (sell, donate, or trash) in two weeks.  But there's one catch- multiples only count as 1.  So you can't just throw out 50 magazines and be done.  That's one.  Now find 49 more things to clear out.

Making a list and keeping track as I worked yesterday felt good, but I think I also got bogged down as I have before in focusing on what to get rid of instead of what to keep.  I feel like I'm making pretty good progress all things considered, although I didn't do much today.  (Wore myself out yesterday, and pain levels were too high.)  Here's everything that made it onto my list yesterday.  None of this stuff is actually out of the apartment yet- there's a lot of stuff to sell or donate on the list.  But this is a firm commitment to lose it all before moving.  I'm not using it, don't need it, and don't care to haul it around any longer.  And the trash is in bags, but hasn't been taken to the dumpster yet.

1. old bills, receipts, and junk mail
2. books
3. DVDs
4. yarn
5. gift boxes
6. shipping boxes/packaging
7. unused linens
8. decorative crap
9. juicer
10. wrapping paper
11. Alpha Smart
12. purses
13. dehumidifier
14. crap from a former friend
15. can of dirt (why?) stored in hall closet
16. sticks of deodorant I can't use any more because they give me a rash
17. exercise equipment- treadmill, exercise bike, weights, step
18. thingies- stuff that I don't know what it is, what it does, or why I have it

I feel pretty good about this list.  It's only a drop in the bucket of what needs to be done, but it's a nice start.  Tonight I plan to post some ads for the stuff I want to sell, and hopefully I'll get a few bucks to help with moving expenses.  Or credit card bills.  Or meds.  Or just a few extra dollars in the Incredible Shrinking Savings Account.

One thing I'm particularly excited about is the pile of books and DVDs I've traded back through Amazon for gift cards.  I shipped a smallish box last week, and I have another one ready to go for tomorrow.  Between the two I've earned over $80 in Amazon gift cards.  That's gonna keep me in ebooks for a little while.  (I've already bought one with my first gc- Exclusively Yours by Shannon Stacey.  Finished it before bed last night.  Highly recommended.)  If I sold them at Half Price Books I probably wouldn't have gotten more than $15 or so for the lot.  There's something to be said for cash over gift certificates.  But with that kind of discrepancy I'll take the gift certificates.  I still have my wheeled cooler completely filled (and then some) with books and DVDs to sell at Half Price, and I hope to get a couple of bucks for them.  I figure I've got at least one, maybe two more HP runs to go after this one.  But I'm not going to kill myself trying to haul it all in at once.

Something else I intend to get a little creative with is the pantry.  I have A LOT of crap in there.  I don't mind donating what I can.  But I'd like to eat up as much as possible, too.  That means that meals will be getting a little... interesting around here.  I have a boat load of jello and canned fruit in there, which is always good this time of year anyway, so I'm going to make up some of that tonight.  There's Bisquick and pancake syrup, so pancakes here I come.  There's a ton of pasta, which is never a problem for me to eat.  The canned pumpkin and bottles of salad dressing?  Gotta go.

The hardest thing I've attempted to deal with so far has been the yarn.  There is an amazing amount of yarn in this apartment.  But I think that will be the subject of my next post, because I'm not quite sure where I stand on all of it.

Clearing Out

There have been further developments, many further developments, and bottom line is that I'm going to land somewhere soon, I'm just not sure where or when.  It is very possible that it's going to be in someone's spare bedroom, with no place to store the apartment's worth of stuff I've collected over the last 15 years.  That means I'm going to have to get rid of a lot of stuff.

Instead of looking at all of it and deciding what to get rid of, which I've done a million times and I still have closets full of stuff, I've decided to turn my thinking around.  Which items do I really, truly want to keep?  That's a simpler question to answer.  Anything that isn't on the "want to keep" list goes- selling, donating, or trashing depending on what it is and what kind of condition it's in.  I'd like to be able to keep my bed and my new couch.  The washer and dryer are a slightly less rational keep, but I'd really like to hang on to them, too.  But those big pieces will be expensive to move and expensive to store while I wait for the day when I have space for them again.  So if my new situation, whatever it might be, doesn't have room for them right away, then I'll have to let them go.  I'll just pack up the car with as much of my "keep" pile as fits (hopefully all of it or I'll have to re-evaluate my pile), buckle the cat into his carrier, and hit the road for parts unknown.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Update

I called Social Security this morning to see if they'd scheduled my hearing yet.  The woman on the phone told me that there's currently a 12 month waiting list for a hearing date.  The earliest I'm likely to hear something is next May.  My insurance runs out in less than 60 days, and without an approval from Social Security I'm going to have at least a 6 month gap in coverage.  SHIT.  Shit, shit, shit.  (Literally and figuratively.)

Money and My Health Insurance Crisis

There's a lot of stuff backing up on me at the moment, and I'm beginning to wonder how much longer it'll be before I end up wearing a laundry basket on my head and barking Jingle Bells. (That really happened once.) (Don't ask.) This whole thing is a train wreck, but an amazingly boring, drama-free train wreck, so continue reading at your own risk.

If you know anything about me, or even bothered to read the subtitle of this blog, you know that I have Crohn's disease and Fibromyalgia. It's not fun. I haven't been able to work since August of 2008. First I was on short term disability, and when that ran out I shifted over to long term disability. At that point I should have started applying for Social Security disability (from here on referred to as SSDI), but the denial- I haz it. I started the SSDI application process in November 2009, I think. I've been denied twice so far. A couple weeks ago I filled out the paperwork for my second appeal, and sometime soon (hopefully) I should be getting an appointment to go before a judge. In the meantime, I still get my LTD (long term disability) check, and that covers the bills. Sort of. If I'm very careful.

The only reason this works for me financially at all is that I am still covered by COBRA, and my medical insurance is very, very good. The one medication that has done more to control my Crohn's than anything else, and it still can't completely control it, is Remicade. That's an IV drug that I get every 6 weeks. (The typical interval is every 8 weeks, but I need it more frequently than that.) Without my insurance, those infusions would cost me over $9,000 a pop. $9,000 every six weeks. That's over $80,000 a year. That's more than twice my entire salary when I was working, and LTD pays 60%. So clearly, there's no way I can afford this medication without insurance or significant help from the drug company.

Now here's where the scary part comes in: COBRA runs out for me on August 28th. In less than 2 months I will no longer have this fantastic medical insurance. And there's no way on God's green earth that any other insurance company is going to cover me with my medical history.

I thought I had it covered, though. Texas has a high risk insurance pool, specifically designed for people in my situation. And now because of recent legislation there is a federal high risk pool, too. Hooray! Right? Uh, maybe not so much. With my insurance expiring in only 8 weeks, I decided to do a little more research into these plans and find out what I needed to do to apply. It turns out that you have to go without insurance for 6 months before you're eligible for the federal pool. That's more than $36,000 worth of Remicade. The Texas pool is even worse- they won't cover pre-existing conditions (you know, the whole reason I need the pool in the first place) for the first twelve months you're on the plan.

This is not good, folks. I'm just going to lay it out now, pride be damned. I was only just limping along financially as it was, with regular assistance at the end of every month from my credit cards. I can't afford to pay for one month of medication and doctor visits without insurance, let alone 6 or 12 months. (The numbers I've laid out for you so far are just for Remicade. Without prescription drug coverage I'll have at least $1,000 worth of pills to pay for every month, too.) I was already planning to move in with my parents in November when my current lease runs out, because I'm sinking just a little bit deeper every month. ($4,000 worth of credit card debt and counting.) 35 and living in my parents' basement. This is so not the life I signed up for.

Now I'm seriously questioning if I can even make it to November. Without at least the Crohn's medications I could die. (Without the Fibro meds life would be miserably painful and not worth living, but it wouldn't actually kill me.) I came close to death three years ago, and without Remicade and methotrexate the Crohn's will rage out of control again. Just the interruption in those meds caused by infections and surgery earlier this year has caused a flare. I'm terrified to think what might happen if I totally lose access to my meds and doctors.

At this point there is only one thing that could save me: SSDI. If I'm approved two things will happen. COBRA can be extended for another 11 months, and I'll become eligible for Medicare. Medicare probably won't kick in right away. They don't give you that until 2 years after your disability date (and they have some flexibility in deciding what that date will be), but COBRA should cover me until that time. But only if the SSDI is approved between now and August 28th, while I'm still covered. If I'm approved on August 29th, I'm shit out of luck. So anyone who's reading this, do whatever you do. Pray, cast a circle, think good thoughts, send mojo, vibes or whatever you call it. Put it out to the Universe that I need SSDI, and I need it now.

It won't solve all my problems. In a few months I'm still going to end up 35 and living in my parents' basement. But at least I won't be 35 and dying in my parents' basement.

Finally!

Click, click, click. Do you hear that? That's the sound of the tumblers falling into place. I have a solid jumping off point for my characters. As of my shower about 10 minutes ago I know where and approximately when in history they exist. It's an historical, and for once I'm actually excited about doing all that research! (I've never taken a real shot at historical before, because the idea of all those picky Regency details plain wore me out.) I have a very general idea of what the mystery plot will be about- those details should firm up as I do my research and pick an exact time frame.


I'm so excited! For months I've wanted to be writing, but the WIP I've been poking at since 2006 just isn't going anywhere. I needed something new, some fresh idea to get me moving again. All my creativity has felt like it's been bottled up inside, and suddenly it's free! It's such a relief.

Alpha Heroes

I don't normally consider myself a fan of the Alpha hero. You know, those brooding, controlling, nasty tempered, He-Man types so common in romance novels. Mostly I find myself rolling my eyes at their antics, or occasionally wishing that the heroine would get smart, bash them over the head with a lamp, and run like hell.

But every once in a while I come across a fabulous Alpha, and when I do he's unforgettable. Recently I've been obsessed with two exceptional Alphas: Nicholas Brisbane from Deanna Raybourn's Lady Julia Grey series, and Jericho Barrons from Karen Marie Moning's Fever series. (And the book I'm reading right now, Exit Strategy by Kelley Armstrong, has a character who shares at least one or two significant traits with these guys, but it's too soon to tell if he really falls into this category.) I'm trying to figure out what it is about these two guys that makes them so fascinating.

The thing that stands out the most for both of these characters is that they are men of mystery. Who they are, where they come from, even what they are in the case of Barrons, is a great big question mark. (This part is definitely true for Armstrong's Jack, at least so far.) Beyond the personal mystery, their motives are often hidden. We can speculate on why they do what they do, but it's rarely immediately clear. And they like to work behind the scenes, sometimes lying, sometimes just not telling their female partner (who in both cases also happens to be the narrator) what they're doing.

Another classic Alpha characteristic that they both possess is that they're powerful. Barrons is perhaps more classically powerful- he's rich, he's feared, he has magical power of (again) mysterious origin, and he has inside knowledge that the narrator lacks. Brisbane is powerful, but not in the way the typical historical Alpha is. He's not titled or rich. He's not well connected, at least not the kind of connections that most people would want to acknowledge. As a private inquiry agent he knows a lot of things that other people don't want getting around, so that does give him a certain amount of power. But his power really comes from his intelligence and charisma. It's clear that he's not the kind of man you mess with. He also has something else going for him, which I won't name here in case anyone reading this hasn't read the series. I don't want to spoil it. (And seriously, if you haven't read Silent in the Grave, go do it now! I'll wait.)

(Good, wasn't it? Chocolate and Amazon gift cards both make nice thank you gifts. ;P )

It's probably really not fair to try to analyze Jack at this point, since I'm less than half way through the book. But he's a hitman, which is power on a whole different level than Brisbane and Barrons. If a hunter, a predator isn't Alpha, I don't know what is. But he seems to work very hard to keep all of that suppressed and low key, so he doesn't come across as a classic Alpha at all in that respect. (Again, we're getting all our information on Jack from a female partner who is also the narrator. I'm beginning to suspect that Nadia is a slightly unreliable narrator, not because she's purposefully hiding something, but because it's starting to look like she has a big ol' honking blind spot when it comes to Jack. Which is slightly weird considering she's also a hitman, his protege, and claims not to trust him completely. Not bad writing weird, just human nature weird.)

Brisbane and Barrons also have that classic Alpha need for control, although they display it in different ways. Brisbane has something in his personal life that he tries desperately, and not always successfully, to control, which I think makes control everywhere else even more important to him. He fears for Julia's safety at various times, and he tries to protect her by controlling her involvement with the case. (Doesn't always work.) He never comes across as being arbitrary, though. He has specific reasons for not wanting her to take certain actions, and he's usually pretty upfront about them. (He's less upfront with her in Silent in the Sanctuary, but again he has very specific, non-arbitrary reasons for keeping information from her.)

Barrons is much more irritating with his need for control. He doesn't want to share information with Mac- he wants her to just shut up and do what she's told. And then he treats her like an idiot for putting herself in dangerous situations that she could have avoided if she'd known what she was getting into. If I were Mac I'd have taken my pretty little foot in my pretty little gold sandal and kicked him in his not so little shins. This stupid refusal to share information (Mac does it, too- you're fighting faeries but when the grim reaper starts appearing to you, you decide it's just a hallucination and don't tell anyone? Stupid.) (Sorry, that was a bit of a spoiler, but jeeze. The Stupid, she has it.) Um, I think I was in the middle of a sentence there before I got off track. Anyway, his need to control her actions (and yet allow her to wander free and unguarded and get into all kinds of trouble during the day- what's up with that?) (OK, I'll stop now.) and control the flow of information is really boneheaded. His control is also a major benefit to Mac later in the story. Humina humina! But mostly it's annoying and unnecessary. His complete refusal to reveal anything about himself is fairly intriguing, though.

Jack's need to control appears to be completely turned inward, at least so far. And as a hitman there's a lot to control. He's constantly monitoring and adjusting his personal appearance, accent, and body language to blend in and hide. Unlike the typical Alpha, it's really important that he not stand out in a crowd. He's acted as a mentor to Nadia for quite a while, but he treats her as another professional and doesn't try to control her actions. Unlike the female leads/narrators in the other books, Nadia has a strong sense of caution as she moves through her very dangerous world, so he doesn't need to be looking out for a blundering partner. Unlike the other two men, Jack would never partner up with someone who might flail around and make the kind of mistakes Mac, or even sometimes Julia, make. But he also doesn't seem to be withholding the kind of information that Nadia needs, either. So far he has controlled her access into the wider community of hitmen (which is more than fine with Nadia) and her access to information about him. I think (and again, I'm less than half way through the book, so I could be way off here) that he controlled that information at first as a safety measure, and Nadia has respected that so much that she doesn't even ask. Now he'd like to be able to share more with her and doesn't quite know where to start.

All three possess very specialized skills. That's maybe not the first trait you'd think of in an Alpha, but it stands to reason that if they're running the show then they're the best. Barrons has major magical skills and serious knowledge of the supernatural world. Brisbane is a phenomenal detective and has something else that gives him an edge. Jack can kill you a dozen different ways, and you'll never see it coming.

So, if I want to take these guys and use them as a template for creating my own fascinating Alpha, then I want a man who is mysterious (the more mysterious the better- I think that's why I like Barrons, major flaws and all- I want to be there when we finally learn all about him), powerful, intelligent, controlled and skilled. And eventually I want him to turn all that mystery, power, intelligence, control, and skill on me. Er, I mean my heroine!

After all this blah, blah, blah it seems like all I've done is define your run of the mill Alpha. But it's really how those characteristics were expressed that made these guys so unforgettable. How the author breathed life into them. Which is, of course, the hard part. Now that I have the general shape of the character, I'm going to have to start figuring out who this Alpha-shaped guy is and placing him in a story.

But not tonight- I'm tired.

Projects

I was surfing around, looking at blogs the other day when I came across someone who is doing Day Zero. (http://www.dayzeroproject.com/) It's one of those cutesy bucket list type groups. The goal of this one is to do 101 things in 1001 days, which comes out to about 2.75 years.

I love these things. I like the idea of actually working on all those "someday" dreams, surrounded by other people who are doing the same thing. Problem is, I never get beyond the list making stage. For this one, there's no way I could come up with 101 projects that are worthy of going on the list. Even if I could come up with 101 worthy projects, is there any way I could complete 101 projects between now and spring of 2013? I count it a good week if I do a few dishes, a load or two of laundry, a quick trip to the grocery store, and water arthritis at least once. The idea of completing a worthy project on an average of once every 10 days just makes me tired.

But then I got to thinking about spring of 2013. Not that I have any plans to go, but 2013 is my 20th high school reunion. What if I did 20 before my 20th? Much more doable. But then I still have the same problem- what 20 projects do I want to complete between now and my high school reunion?

Linking it up with the reunion makes me think of all those things that I want to have accomplished before seeing all those people again. (Although it's kind of academic, because as I said, I have no interest in going to this thing.) My life is so very, very different from what I thought it would be when I graduated 17 years ago. I thought I'd be married with kids by now, not terminally single and child-less. Children are a no-go for me now, and I'm not going on the hunt for a husband just to have someone to show off to people I haven't see or heard from in at least 15 years. So those don't make the list.

I've always wanted to write a book. I thought I'd be published by my 20th reunion, and so far I haven't even managed to finish one yet. Finishing a book could go on the list. So that's goal #1.

I really, really (ohmygod, really) need to lose at least 100 lbs. My joints would appreciate it, and to be honest, I'd be really embarrassed for anyone from high school to see me as I am today. I was never the hot chick, but I wasn't 300 lbs back then, either. A normal, healthy person who eats right and exercises should probably be able to drop 100 lbs in 1000 days- a lbs every 10 days is a very moderate pace. Is it possible for me? I kind of doubt it. But I could probably make some progress in that direction by spring of 2013, if I can avoid the prednisone. So, that's goal #2- lose weight.

My third thought is that I have holycrap credit card debt. I'd really like to have that paid off in three years or less. That's not something that I'd care to flaunt in front of my old classmates, but it would make me feel good to have them paid off, and the timing seems reasonable. Goal #3: pay off credit cards.

This one isn't at all sexy, but my closets are a complete disaster. I have a large walk in closet in the bedroom and another large storage closet off the office. Both are piled high with stuff. Good stuff. Bad stuff. Crap. Junk. I have a vague idea of what's in both places, but there's a ton of stuff in both closets that I haven't looked at since I moved into this apartment almost 4 years ago- including my high school year books. (Ha! Found a way to tie that in.) It could easily take me months, at my current ability level, to get through those boxes and ditch the stuff I don't want. I know there's a lot of stuff in there I don't want. I hate the idea of filling up the dumpster, and the landfill, with all this crap, but I don't have the patience and energy to try to freecycle or Craigslist it either. But it's got to go, because I don't know how much longer I'll be living here, and I'm not hauling it across country with me when the inevitable comes and I end up living in Indiana again with my brother or parents. That's the long way around to say that goal #4 (which has to be completed well before 2013) is to clean out those closets and clear the clutter.

And that's where I've stalled. What else do I want to accomplish by 2013? I feel kind of pitiful that there are so few things on my list, and maybe other than the writing one, nothing that's in any way exotic or interesting. There are plenty of things I could put on my "if I weren't sick" list, but I'm trying to keep it in the realm of my current reality. Current reality says that I'm not going to Egypt to see the pyramids or running/walking the Disney marathon anytime in the next three years. Or ever, probably. And "getting approved for SSDI" isn't a very good goal for something like this, because that's largely out of my hands. I fill out the paperwork to the best of my ability and wait around for someone else to say "yes" or "no". But there have to be other goals, right? Things that I can do, learn, accomplish. Sixteen other things that I'd like to do and can realistically accomplish in the next three years. I'll think about it for a while. And hopefully, if I come up with something I'll remember to write it down. Otherwise, it will end up in the junk closet in my brain, where all my unrecorded thoughts go to die. That's one closet I really don't care to clean!

Happy Friday!

I woke up this morning from the strangest dream. I was at a beach house with a bunch of friends, and I spent the whole time flirting with Christian Kane and playing Patty Cake with my best friend's baby. (But not, unfortunately, playing Patty Cake with Christian Kane!)

I'm not sure what my subconscious is trying to tell me, but I think it might be "have more fun!" I suppose "you haven't talked to Keli in too long" and "Leverage starts on Sunday" are a possibility, too, but adding more fun to your life is never a bad thing.

My fun weekend plans all revolve around the television. Tonight is Popcorn Dialogues night (http://popcorndialogues.com/). We're watching Ninotchka, which I have to say I have no interest in. But I wasn't particularly interested in It Happened One Night and that turned out to be a terrific movie, so I'm giving it a shot. Saturday is Doctor Who, and then Sunday is True Blood, Leverage, and a new ABC show called The Gates.

My other project for the weekend, which is necessary but certainly not fun, is to finish filling out my Disability Report for Social Security for the third time. It's the same damn paperwork over and over. I tell you what, if the government ever decides to get serious about cutting the fat out of Social Security, the first thing they need to do is stop dicking around and approve people with legitimate claims on the first try. The amount of paper and number of man hours wasted on making us jump through hoops (we who are least able to jump) is disgusting. This is my second appeal, and sometime in the next several months I'll be going in front of a judge. Talk about intimidating. Being sick, constantly, chronically ill, is soul sucking enough. Add in a year or more trying to convince a bunch of faceless bureaucrats that yes, I really am this sick, and no, I am not faking- it's a wonder I haven't stuck my head in an oven.

But enough about that. Here's a picture of my hair after my first all night plop.

Not bad, huh? (Although this picture does a nice job of accentuating my double chin.) I wish the curls were a little rounder and bouncier, but I'll trade that for the ridiculously low-maintenance styling. And even with gel (I used Herbal Essences Totally Twisted Curl Scrunching Gel), it's nice and soft, not crunchy or sticky at all.

Oh, and I thought of one more fun thing in my weekend! I had my water arthritis class this morning. It's still exercise, but the water feels so good in this heat. And it's the one time being fat works in my favor- I'm nice and buoyant.

I like all three of the instructors for this class, but I particularly like the Friday instructor. She's about my age (I'm guessing- I'm not very good at judging ages) and always has something crazy going on in her life. This week it was an escaped crawfish. Apparently her mother bought crawfish this week, and the guy behind the counter gave her daughter one that was too small to sell, I guess as a pet. And of course, the crawfish got loose somewhere in the house. They've all been looking for it, but so far no luck. According to my instructor, crawfish live about 2 years. She's hoping they find it soon, because she doesn't want to live the next year to year and a half with an escaped crawfish roaming the house.

So, there you go. Funny story, even if it wasn't mine. Have a great weekend!

My First Plop

I've discovered a new hobby in the last few days- my hair. As with most of my new interests, it was sparked by an off-topic discussion on Ravelry, this time about curly hair.

For the first 32 years of my life I had smooth, straight hair with just a bit of wave. And then all this health crap came along, which I won't get into (again) except to say that in fall of 2007 I started losing hair. Eventually quite a bit of hair. When it grew back it was... weird. Not smooth. Frizzy. Snarly. It looked bad enough when I tried to wash and go, but it's true, horrible form came out whenever I tried to spend a little extra time on it to make it look nice. Horrible. I spent a good 6 months or so wandering around looking like Don King.

Finally, a friend took pity on me and directed me to her hairstylist. Imagine my shock when she looked over the disaster on my head and said, "You know you have curly hair, right?" Er, no actually. When did that happen? Apparently it's not unusual for hair that has fallen out due to medical treatments to come back a different color or texture. (I also got a liberal salting of gray hair at the same time. Yay.) So she cut and colored and styled and basically messed with my mess for about 4 hours. And when she was done... crap, she was right! I had curly hair!

That's all me, no curling iron required. And it only got curlier as my hair adjusted to being allowed to do it's own thing. I don't know how I could have missed it. More evidence that we don't ever really see ourselves until someone or something makes us see.

Unfortunately, I haven't liked any of her cuts as much as that first one, and at $200 a pop for cut and color, I'm just can't afford to keep going. So what to do? Well, there's a solution for everything else on Rav, I should have trusted that Rav would have a solution for this, too. Did you know there's a whole world of information and techniques to make curly hair behave better? It's amazing.

This blog post is a great starting point for the Curly Girl method, or going "CG": http://dormroomcurly.blogspot.com/2008/12/style-definitions-table.html. I've already cut the sulfate and silicone out of my hair care routine, and now I'm starting to experiment with styling. I have no energy for a big styling regime. Just the cowash takes more time than my old shampoo and condition routine, which means sore arms and back by the time I'm finished. So anything that requires a lot of blow drying, rollers or a curling iron, or much in the way of general fussing is right out. Fortunately, air drying appears to be the preferred method, along with something charmingly called "plopping". This is a good video on plopping: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1K_E_JN5dkw&feature=player_embedded

And here I am, plopped on the couch, plopping for the first time. Wish me luck!

Sloppy Writing is Sloppy

So, I'm reading Black Hills by Nora Roberts. I wouldn't call myself a NR fan- what I've read of hers was enjoyable, but I don't go looking for her books, either. This one was coming along pretty well until this morning.

The heroine, Lil Chance, is a wildlife biologist specializing in cats. She trapped an animal to tag and take samples, but before she could get to it, someone shot it in the head and killed it. The police come, and she starts talking about doing an autopsy. Blew me right out of the story. An animal autopsy is called a necropsy, and there's no way a wildlife biologist wouldn't know that. Then a few pages after that, a farm hand refers to the new gelding she bought as a her. At this point I'm so far out of the story that I don't know if I want to continue.

I know these are details, not anything important to the plot of the story. But geeze louise. Isn't anyone paying attention?

Top Five Crusies

After holding it in reserve for months I'm finally reading The Cinderella Deal by Jennifer Crusie. I'm loving it! I'm not finished yet, but assuming she doesn't pancake on the dismount (which I doubt- it's Crusie) it just might be one of my five favorite of her books. The others are What the Lady Wants, Charlie All Night, Crazy For You, Getting Rid of Bradley, Anyone But You, Fast Women, and Agnes and the Hitman.

Yes, I know there are more than five books on that list. What of it?

One of the reoccurring symbols in her books are the houses. Daisy has spent a good chunk of the book so far painting and decorating and generally making a beautiful home. This fictional house has more color and style than the real apartment I'm sitting in as I type this. Her books always make me want to jump up and create some funky work of art, bring some color into my life. And then after about five minutes I remember that I have zero artistic ability. Also, I have no money to buy supplies with. But it's a nice little fantasy while it lasts.

The heroes are good too, but strangely enough, I have no desire to rush out and find one of those. I already know they're more effort than I can spare.

Book Binge

A couple weeks ago I broke down and bought my second ebook reader, a Sony Pocket. I love my Kindle, don't get me wrong. But there was this ebook sale, and, well.... If I wanted to read any of the books that I really, really wanted, it was either use the lap top (which has it's uses, but generally isn't a practical reading device for me), grow magical hacking skillz and strip and convert all these lovely new books into a format that would work with my existing ereader, or break down and buy something that would accept the formats the books were already in. And there was the Pocket. It was CHEAP (as these things go), and it was PINK (not usually a big draw for me, but I just loved that bright fuchsia from the first moment I saw it). So I gave in to my baser instincts and spent the money.

I am LOVING this thing. Not so much the unit itself, although it is adequate. It's not terribly difficult to use. I'm not loving the button placement (spoiled by convenient page turns on both the left and right sides of the Kindle), and the screen is a bit smaller than I'd prefer. But it's quite a bit lighter than the Kindle, so big points in it's favor there. (I always feel it when the Kindle is in my purse. It makes the damn thing so much heavier.)

What I really, really love about the Pocket is that my local library has expanded their service, and now I can access ebooks through Overdrive! Before all they had were scholarly works, and I am so not the scholarly type. I'm working diligently to rot what's left of my brain with works of pure entertainment. And now I can, for free! I was just using my city library, which has a kind of small subscription to Overdrive. Certainly enough to keep me happily reading for quite some time. I even have one not-completely-brain-rotting book on my wishlist- it's about Egyptian history, which is one of the few topics that could tempt me to read non-fiction.

And then, I hit the jackpot. In several places lately I've seen people talking about maintaining non-resident library cards, usually by paying a fee for the card. So I started checking around to see what it would cost me to get a library card in some of the other major cities in Texas and if it would be worth it to pay the fee to have access to their online ebook services. Which is when I discovered that not only do we have a major city library with dozens of branches around town, we also have a county library with many fewer branches but a much larger ebook collection. Much. Like, literally 10x the size of the city library's collection. Ka ching!


I spent the last two evenings working my way through the fiction list on the county library's website. (It takes a long time to go through a list of over 2000 ebook titles and pick what looks interesting.) I now have 9 new titles waiting patiently on my pretty pink Pocket, a half dozen books on hold, and 149 books on my wishlist. Between what I bought in those last two sales, what I've grabbed for free off Amazon, and all the ebooks available to me now through my county library, I probably won't have to buy another book for two years, maybe more! (Of course, there are a few favorite authors whose books I'll be buying anyway, just because I Must Have Them Now.) Even if you assume used book prices, the Pocket will pay for itself three times over, just with the books on my list now. And that list will only grow as new titles are added to the database.

I love my little Pocket!

It's a Pickle

I have a code for a free ebook that expires later this week, and I can't decide how to spend it! The options so far are:

The Cinderella Deal by Jennifer Crusie
Beautiful Creatures by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl
Fallen by Lauren Kate
These Old Shades by Georgette Heyer
Instant Attraction by Jill Shalvis

All of these books have points in their favor, and reasons why they aren't my #1 choice. My reading preference goes like this: ebook, print book, audiobook. Paperback vs hardback is a toss up. Hardbacks are heavier, but paperbacks are harder for me to hold open. Hardbacks are easier because they're logged in the library's computer by title, so I can reserve those titles and have them waiting together for me in one spot. Paperbacks aren't tracked by title, so I have to search the stacks and hope for the best. Either way, I have to actually go to the library to pick them up and return them. Digital books and audiobooks, whether I purchase them or download them from the library, are available from the comfort of home.

Crusie pros: I'll probably want to read it over and over again; it's available from the library but only in audio- I'd rather read it than listen to it; it's a paperback, so if the library does have it, I'll have to find it myself in the stacks

Crusie cons: less expensive than other options- shouldn't I pick the book that's going to save me the most money?; I'm pretty sure I've read it before, and I hate buying books I've already read

Beautiful Creatures pros: I want it BAD; it would cost me $9 for the Kindle version

Beautiful Creatures cons: the library has the hardback version, so I don't really have to buy it; I'm not sure if it's a book that I'll want to read over and over

Fallen pros: it looks like a good read- I like the sample I've read so far; the Kindle version is $9.99

Fallen cons: I don't want to read it as much as I want to read Beautiful Creatures; it's available in hardback from the library; not sure I'll want to re-read it

These Old Shades pros: it's not available through the library; the Kindle version is $9.59; I like Georgette Heyer and I've heard good things about this one

These Old Shades cons: I'm not dying to read it right this second- there are other books I'd like to read more

Instant Attraction pros: I've been wanting to read this author, and this book in particular; it's $8.96 on Kindle

Instant Attraction cons: it's available in trade paperback from the library

So what do you think? Any genius ideas on which book I should pick? And perhaps a better question, why am I stressing so much over which book to get for free? It's not like it's the last book I'll ever be allowed to read or something.

Cheap Trick, Part 2

Well, I was right. The Twist I predicted on page 55 came to pass. Maybe it was because it was so clear to me what was really going on, but I found this book very blah. There was no conflict, no spark. I'm glad the book was only 190 pages. There just wasn't enough story there to make it a typical single title book. In fact, I think this one would have been more successful as a story if it had been pared down a bit and put into an anthology.

Either that, or she needed to drop the idea of the Twist and let the reader in on the secret from the beginning. Then she could have brought in more secondary characters, more complications, more conflict, and expand the story to one that really deserves to stand on its own as a hardback. Because this book, as written, really isn't worth the hardback price, in my opinion.

Cheap Trick

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, and I'm currently working my way through A Matter of Class by Mary Balogh. It's billed as an Arraigned Marriage story with an Unexpected Twist! I was pretty sure I knew what the twist was by page 55. I'm on page 111 right now, and so far I've seen nothing to suggest that my guess is wrong.

If I'm right, it's not an Unexpected Twist! so much as a cheap writer's trick. The kind that you can only get away with once in your writing career. I used mine back in high school. M. Night Shyamalan used his with The Sixth Sense. Done well it can be tremendously effective. Unfortunately, these kind of tricks are often not done well, in my opinion.

The book is only 190 pages (in hardback, at hardback prices! I got mine at the library), so I expect to know if I was right or not by bedtime. I'll let you know. If I'm wrong, many apologies to Ms Balogh. But at this point, I really doubt I'm wrong.

Frustration

Even though it's been almost three years since my chronic health adventure began, I still bump up against old ideas and expectations for myself on a pretty regular basis. I guess I haven't truly accepted yet what it means to have a chronic disease.

My most disabling issue, the one I've been struggling with for a couple of years now with no success, is my constant fatigue and lack of energy. I know that it's caused by the Crohn's and Fibro. I know it's not because of any particular action or inaction on my part. But every once in a while I twist it around in my mind again. If only I tried to be more active, I'd feel better. If only I lost some weight, I'd have more energy. When someone who doesn't have these health problems says something like this, I can smack them upside the head, or call them idiots, or choose to ignore them. But what do you do when it's the little voice in your head telling you these things?

My latest plunge into crazy is the Wii. Don't get me wrong, I love my Wii. I'm having a blast playing games on the Wii Fit, unlocking stuff in Walk it Out, and in my latest acquisition learning dance routines in We Cheer 2. It gets me up off the couch and moving a bit. I can do 10-15 minutes of something, sit down for a couple of hours, and then do a few more minutes later. Unlike going to the gym, I don't spend more time driving back and forth than I do in the actual exercise activity. And it's really fun- I can laugh and be silly in the privacy of my own home.

But what I'm finally realizing is that this activity comes at a cost. For normal people, three weeks of regular, moderate exercise would probably be paying dividends by now- they'd probably be sleeping better and feeling more energy during the day. Not me. I looked around the apartment over the weekend and realized that all the energy for Wii-ing had to come from somewhere, and it came out of all the other things I have to do to take care of myself. I haven't done laundry in at least two weeks. I've been eating take out off paper plates for the last two weeks. My Christmas tree is still standing and the lights are still on it. I haven't even taken down the stockings yet! The exercise from the Wii hasn't given me more spoons- I've just used the spoons I had on that instead of all the other things I need to be doing.

So what's the solution? Giving up the Wii? I don't think so. All the doctors and websites say that gentle exercise is good for Fibro and should eventually help with pain levels. (Although my pain and use of pain killers has increased significantly in the three weeks since I started Wii-ing.) Plus, it's fun, and there's precious little of anything in my life these days that's fun. But woman cannot live on take out alone. And eventually I'll need clean underwear. (Eventually is coming quickly. I have an appointment with a social security doctor on Wednesday, and I'd rather not go commando.) That means I'm going to have to find a new balance. More spoons on cleaning, fewer spoons on Wii-ing.

It's not easy facing crappy realities while at the same time holding out hope for improvement and better tomorrows. I wonder how many more times I'll have to trip over these realities before it finally sinks in? Does it ever?

Fire!

Sometimes I hate living in an apartment complex. I was sitting on the couch, watching a cheapo Lifetime movie, when I started smelling smoke. I looked around the apartment first and didn't see anything, so then I put on some outside clothes and checked around outside. My next door neighbor is burning paperwork in a grill on their patio. Jeez. They weren't even outside with it- they just lit it up and went back inside. The way the wind was blowing, it looked like the smoke was coming off the roof. Give me a heart attack why don't you? I lived in an apartment building that had a fire a few years ago, and now I'm super paranoid about it. Can't you find a better way to get rid of sensitive documents?

From Cheer to Drear

The time has finally come. I'm taking down the Christmas decorations. The ornaments came off the tree a couple of days ago. (All but the one little candy cane ornament that I somehow missed, and spotted as I was lying on the couch last night.) The lights are still on the tree, but they'll probably come off tomorrow or the day after. Just now I took down all the Christmas cards. It's all very sad.

It's always fun and exciting to put up decorations, but after a while you just stop seeing them. And then when they come down everything looks so blah. I'm thinking that I might start putting up decorations for all the little holidays. Nothing super major- just some garland and a few window clings or something. I sit around looking at these four walls 24/7. I think it's reasonable to do something to perk the place up a bit. And $10 every month or so is a small enough amount to pay.

Right now it's Mardi Gras time, I guess. Or I could go for Valentine's Day. After that would be St. Patrick's Day and Easter, and then I guess it's into the patriotic summer holidays of Memorial Day, 4th of July, and Labor Day. I need to come up with some other stuff to put up between those holidays though, because I'm not decking the apartment out in red, white, and blue for four months straight. Can anyone think of any more obscure summer holidays I should celebrate?

Ouch!

So, the Wii thing is still working for me. A friend sent me a new game called Walk it Out, and I've been spending way too much time playing it. No, really. Not like gamer too much time. More like, my body is falling apart and that's too much exercise for me too much time. I hurt. Everywhere. Walk it Out is, as you might guess, a walking game. There's no reason for my shoulders to hurt, but they do. My whole body hurts. I think the over doing it, combined with all the rain, has caused my Fibro to flare up. (This is not like exercise soreness. It's been a while, but I do remember what that feels like. This is an entirely different, miserable animal. Ugh.)

But I'm having fun playing the game! It's not exactly the most exciting thing in the world, but it's fun to collect points as you walk around the island and then use the points to open up new walking trails, earn new songs, and add new features to the landscape. Most of the new features are pretty mundane, like trees and lamp posts. But there are also buildings and even suspension bridges to build. The most exciting things I've unlocked so far are a car and a vendor's cart. It's funny how stuff like that can motivate you to keep going just a little bit longer!

Today I'm taking the day off, and then tomorrow I think I'll go back to the Wii Fit. I've been neglecting it for the new game. Maybe after a day of rest (and please god, a good night's sleep for a change) a little bit of Wii Fit yoga will help my cranky muscles.

Baby it's cold outside!

I don't know if you've noticed, but it's been a little chilly lately. According to the last weather report I saw, this is the coldest we've been in Houston in 14 years. Brrr! I'm currently wearing hand knit socks, flannel pants, a long sleeved t-shirt, a sweatshirt, and the comforter off my bed. And my toes are still cold. In a little bit I'm going to get up off my nice warm spot on the couch and get out the down comforter to put on the bed. I'm also going to get out a spare set of flannel sheets and hang them over the bedroom windows to block drafts. I tried the other day to get the window seal stuff that you put on with a hair dryer, but couldn't find it anywhere.

One good thing about nasty weather, it encourages you to stay inside where it's warm. I'm still working my way through my Doctor Who/Torchwood marathon, plus I have new copies of the latest Harry Potter movie, Veronica Mars season one, and Glee that I haven't watched yet. So plenty of stuff to keep my butt glued to the couch. I have a half dozen library books to read. I have ham and potatoes au gratin in the crockpot, and fixin's for tortilla soup and brownies. I have a new, secret knitting project that I started last night and will probably be working on through the early part of next week. I have hot cocoa mix and a cat to sit on my feet. So really, what more could one person ask for?

But it's still too cold outside.

My New Toy

I went a little cuckoo crazy this week and bought myself a Wii. I was a little nervous about setting up, thinking it might be confusing or hard. And I did have technical difficulties- all my stuff is ancient, and there weren't any extra a/v inputs available. So yesterday I went out and got a new rf modulator, and now everything is working fine. I spent some time playing it last night, and I love it!

I tried the tennis and bowling games on Wii Sports, and I'm actually pretty good at them! I've never had a gaming console before, and I haven't played a game with any regularity since the original Super Mario Bros. 25 years ago. So I wasn't sure if I'd be any good at it or if I'd struggle. I think it will take a while to feel really natural with the controller, but it's pretty easy to use.

To get started I bought a used copy of Endless Ocean, and I played that for a while last night. I'll fiddle with it a little more today, but I think I'll be returning this one and trying something different. It was described in some of the reviews as being a relaxing and scenic game. So far it seems kind of nebulous and dull. But it sounds like some of the more interesting creatures don't show up until later stages, so I'll play for a little while longer and see what I see.

In a bit I'm going to set up the balance board for the Wii Fit Plus. That's the real reason I bought the system. I need something to inspire me to get up off the couch occasionally before my butt becomes permanently attached. Water aerobics was doing that for me for a while, but I'm a wimp. The class is still going on, but I won't be back until it warms up again. (It won't be long. March, April tops.) For now, anything that gets me moving a bit is a good thing. I'm also itching to try Just Dance (a dance game should be good exercise, right?), but I think that one might be a little too, um, energetic for me right now. Maybe someday.

The other game I really want to check out is Rabbids Go Home. I don't know if it will give me much exercise, but it looks entertaining. I'm keeping an eye out for a used copy. I'll let you know what I think when I find one. In the meantime I'll be golfing on my Wii.

The Book List

I've always been a big reader, and in 2007 I made a resolution to record all the books I read for the year. It was so much fun being able to go back and look at my list that I decided to keep going. This year I read 90 books. (This doesn't include books I started but didn't finish or books that I'd read before and re-read in 2009. All 90 books were new-to-me titles.)

I don't know if I mentioned this before or not, but in early August I got a Kindle. Yay! I love my Kindle! It feels like I've done a lot more reading since the Kindle entered my life, but according to my notebook, I've only read 27 books on the Kindle since early August, and only 5 physical books. I averaged 7.5 books a month for the whole year, but only 6.4 books a month for those 5 months. Some of that may be that I've read lots of samples that didn't impress me enough to buy the whole book. There were also several books that I started on the Kindle and never finished. Some how, it's easier to quit a book and move on with the Kindle. As long as it's a free book (and there's a surprisingly large number of free, legal books available), I don't mind. But it does effect my reading stats.

So, enough chatter. On to the list!

1. Mr. Cavendish, I Presume- Julia Quinn
2. Betrayed- P.C. Cast & Kristen Cast
3. Tainted Trail- Wen Spencer
4. Halfway to Half Way- Suzann Ledbetter
5. Bitter Waters- Wen Spencer
6. King of Sword and Sky- C.L. Wilson
7. Magic Study- Maria V. Snyder
8. Forever Princess- Meg Cabot
9. Plum Spooky- Janet Evanovich
10. Wolfsbane and Mistletoe- Charlaine Harris, et al
11. A Dead Guy in a Pear Tree- Leslie Kelly
12. Running Hot- Jayne Ann Krentz
13. The Grand Sophy- Georgette Heyer
14. Wanderlust- Ann Aguirre
15. Cotillion- Georgette Heyer
16. The Talisman Ring- Georgette Heyer
17. Cousin Kate- Georgette Heyer
18. Dark of Night- Suzann Brockmann
19. Bone Crossed- Patricia Briggs
20. What I Did For Love- Susan Elizabeth Phillips
21. The Sharing Knife: Horizon- Lois McMaster Bujold
22. Dogs and Goddesses- Jennifer Crusie, Ann Stewart, Lani Diane Rich
23. Wicked Pleasure- Lora Leigh
24. Audrey, Wait!- Robin Benway
25. In the Bleak Midwinter- Julia Spencer-Fleming
26. Tips on Having a Gay (ex)Boyfriend- Carrie Jones
27. The Unknown Ajax- Georgette Heyer
28. Dog Warrior- Wen Spencer
29. Graceling- Kristen Cashore
30. Chosen- P.C. Cast & Kristen Cast
31. A Fountain Filled With Blood- Julia Spencer-Fleming
32. Swallowing Darkness- Laurell K. Hamilton
33. Endless Blue- Wen Spencer
34. Need- Carrie Jones
35. Turn Coat- Jim Butcher
36. Out of the Deep I Cry- Julia Spencer-Fleming
37. Doctor Who: The Stone Rose- Jacqueline Rayner
38. Impossible- Nancy Werlin
39. Silent in the Grave- Deanna Raybourn
40. To Darkness and To Death- Julia Spencer-Fleming
41. All Mortal Flesh- Julia Spencer-Fleming
42. Silent in the Sanctuary- Deanna Raybourn
43. Silent on the Moor- Deanna Raybourn
44. Black Sheep- Georgette Heyer
45. Frederika- Georgette Heyer
46. The Awakening- Kelley Armstrong
47. And Only to Deceive- Tasha Alexander
48. Magician's Ward- Patricia C. Wrede
49. A Little Bit Wicked- Kristin Chenoweth
50. Untamed- P.C. Cast & Kristen Cast
51. Shakespeare- Bill Bryson
52. Dead and Gone- Charlaine Harris
53. I Shall Not Want- Julia Spencer-Fleming
54. Faro's Daughter- Georgette Heyer
55. The Perfect Poison- Amanda Quick
56. Finger Lickin' Fifteen- Janet Evanovich
57. What Happens in London- Julia Quinn
58. The Patriot Witch- C.C. Finley
59. Crime Scene at Cardwell Ranch- B.J. Daniels
60. Hide in Plain Sight- Marta Perry
61. Casting Spells- Barbara Bretton
62. Doc Sidhe- Aaron Allston
63. Baby Bonanza- Maureen Child
64. Hunting Ground- Patricia Briggs
65. Don't Tempt Me- Loretta Chase
66. His Lady Mistress- Elizabeth Rolls
67. Magic Bites- Ilona Andrews
68. Having Tanner Bravo's Baby- Christine Rimmer
69. Obsidian Prey- Jayne Castle
70. The Wild's Call- Jeri Smith-Ready
71. Asking For Trouble- Kristina Lloyd
72. Magic Burns- Ilona Andrews
73. Magic Strikes- Ilona Andrews
74. Ms. Match- Jo Leigh
75. Red-Headed Stepchild- Jayne Wells
76. On the Edge- Ilona Andrews
77. Bad Moon Rising- Sherrilyn Kenyon
78. Soulless- Gail Carriger
79. Grave Secret- Charlaine Harris
80. Speed Dating- Nancy Warren
81. Bound For the Holidays- Mackenzie McCade
82. By Reason of Insanity- Randy Singer
83. Fire and Ice- Laura Hamilton
84. Tiger Eye- Marjorie M. Liu
85. If He's Wicked- Hannah Howell
86. Bedlam Boyz- Ellen Guon
87. Lord of Scoundrels- Loretta Chase
88. Northanger Abbey- Jane Austen
89. Peep Show- Mathilde Madden
90. Murder Takes the Cake- Gayle Trent

Happy New Year's, all!

Quibble with Bones

"Why do people hate to spend Christmas alone?"
"Because it means nobody loves them."

I finally got around to watching last week's Bones tonight, and I have to disagree with the above exchange. I can see why someone might feel unloved if no one wants to spend Christmas with them. But I spent Christmas by myself last year by choice, and I have to say, it was heaven. Bliss. The most relaxing holiday I'd had in years, maybe ever. I'm looking forward to seeing the 'rents next week, but as I look around my disaster of an apartment (had to empty my entire storage closet to get to the Christmas tree and decorations) and the infinite list of things to be done between now and Wednesday when they arrive, that quiet, peaceful Christmas last year is looking better and better.

Stockings

There's been some discussion on Rav about stockings lately. What do you put in them? When do you stop giving them? And that's got me thinking about the subject.

First of all, I never realized that for some folks, stockings are for kids. Why shouldn't an adult get a stocking? Where else are you going to put the little things, so that they don't get lost? In my family the stocking is also used for the small necessities. A new toothbrush. Toothpaste. Once we got old enough to need it, deodorant. Razors. It's a family tradition to find stuff like that in the stocking, and I'm pretty sure my brother and I would both be sorely disappointed to not find a toothbrush in our stocking Christmas morning, even though we're adults and perfectly capable of buying one for ourselves.

This is the second year in a row that I've had Christmas at my apartment in Houston rather than traveling to Massachusetts to my parents' house. Last year I unselfconsciously bought those little things that I needed- thermometer covers for one- wrapped them, and stuck them in my own stocking to be opened again on Christmas morning. Goofy? Well, yes, a little. But it made me happy. This year I'm shopping not only for my own stocking but also my parents' stockings since they are coming down here for Christmas. This year I'm a little more aware of the oddness of doing this. Will it upset my mother to see me unwrap the thermometer covers I bought myself and put in my own stocking? Possibly. Not because her daughter is buying gifts for herself, wrapping them, and then giving them to herself (after all, Mom did this for herself for years, wrapping her own toothbrushes and whatnot), but because they will be a reminder that I'm not healthy, and I need those things. But this is my reality. Might as well face it and wring whatever joy I can out of it. And for me, one of those new joys is unwrapping thermometer covers from my stocking Christmas morning.

And it's been unexpected fun to shop for Mom and Dad's stockings this year. I thought I was done with Christmas shopping the day before Thanksgiving, but I had totally forgotten the stocking stuffers. After a quick trip to the dollar store and Target there are toothbrushes and tubes of toothpaste for all. I'm running low on band aids, so I'll be getting a box of those in my stocking, too. I was hoping for a roll of Lifesavers for each stocking, but Target didn't carry them. (Well, that's not strictly true. They had those Lifesaver storybook things for $2.99 a pop, but I'm not paying three bucks each for a roll of Lifesavers and a bunch of extra packaging I don't need.) The only place I've routinely seen Lifesavers in the last 10 years is the airport, and I'm not fighting the airport insanity just for a stocking stuffer. I'll keep looking. Maybe at Walgreens or somewhere like that? I have to admit, I don't look too closely at the candy aisle these days.

There are other things that often go in my parents' stockings. For Mom, it's hand cream and pantyhose. But I feel a little awkward getting her those things. It's kind of a joke between her and Dad, one I suspect I don't know the true story to, so I think I'll leave that to them.

I've also made some hand knit ornaments for them that I plan to wrap and put in their stockings. I know they'll get a kick out of those. But that seems awfully thin. Toothbrush, toothpaste, ornament. Lifesavers (if I can find them), orange in the toe, candy cane hooked over the top. Can anyone think of any other fun, useful, inexpensive items to drop in their stockings?

Why I Couldn't Finish This Book

Changes Again

I was burning up the phone lines this morning, calling my doctors and requesting copies of my medical records. It's finally time to do it- apply for Social Security Disability. I know I "only" made a few phone calls, but I'm wiped out. Tired and headachey. It takes a lot of mental energy, no longer my strong suit, to get organized and file for SSDI. I'm also starting to organize and prepare to move to Yankee Land to live with the 'rents. I'm going to have to start paying Cobra soon, and there's just not enough money in my disability check to pay that and rent and all the regular bills. So back to the parents' house I go. My one comfort, if you can call it that, is that with the economy right now there are lots of people moving in with family or consolidating households with friends. It would be more fun to do it like Jenny Cruise and Lani Diane Rich (Panda Gangbang!) (nevermind, if you haven't read Jenny's latest blog that won't make any sense to you, but it's not as dirty as it sounds), but we've got to work with what we've got. Jenny and Lani have each other, I have my mom and dad.

One of the scariest things about moving across the country- other than losing my independence and needing to find all new doctors again- is that I don't know anyone there but a few of my parents' friends. As we've seen with my water class, I don't mind hanging out with seniors. They can be funny as hell. But it would be nice to know some people closer to my own age and who share some of my interests. I have a friend on Rav who lives in the general area, which is fantastic. I'm hoping I can find a knitting group to hang out with occasionally. I'd really like to find a writing group, too, but so far my best source of writing friends has been NaNo, and it doesn't look like the area is a hot bed of NaNo activity. Maybe if I'm up there early enough I can get something organized. Sometimes, in my experience, it only takes someone to say "this is where I'm going to be, come join me!" to get something going. The closest RWA chapter meets about an hour away, but once a month that's doable. Maybe I'll meet someone who lives near my parents and we can carpool.

So, that's my life at the moment. Frustration and fear and hope in equal measures.

Big Plans

This is what I'm doing today: camping out on the air mattress in front of the TV, with plenty of books in easy reach. Sounds decadent for a Wednesday, doesn't it? I'd give anything to feel well enough to do something else.

Bits and Bobs

I have a whole lot of little things to mention, but not a lot to say about each item. It's a bit of a potpourri.

Went to my water class today. The usual Friday instructor was out, and we had a sub. The sub was nice enough, but fairly detached from reality. A lot of her moves aren't practical for people with arthritis. Our bodies just don't move that way anymore. Not to mention that you'd need a snorkel since some of the yoga positions she wanted us to take would put our heads under the water.

Spent a good chunk of the afternoon curled up in bed with What Happens in London by Julia Quinn. Enjoying it greatly.

Making nice progress on my two scarves and clapotis. I'm working up the clapotis from Knitpicks Imagination in Mermaid Lagoon. There's a little bit of an olivey green in the colorway, which I wasn't keen on at first. At the beginning the whole thing was a little stripey, but once I got further in I started getting a really nice pooling effect. And once I started on the second hank there was a nice little pop of electric blue that was missing in the first hank, even though they're supposed to be from the same dye lot. The overall effect is very watery and pretty.

I was out of vitamins, so I went to Target this afternoon, straight from the pool and soaking wet. At least I was clean! They had Lean Cuisine French bread pizzas on clearance for $1.17 a pop, so I cleared them out. Gotta love a bargain! The freezer is now crammed full (not just with LC pizzas- there's a lot of other stuff in there, too), and I should be set for a while. I also picked up a couple of books and the most recent Tori Amos cd.

For once I'm having no difficulty getting Trouble to take his medicine. He's been chewing all his fur off again, so the vet put him on an oral steroid. It's a liquid, and they put tuna flavoring in it. He LOVES it. Yesterday morning I was sitting on the couch after breakfast when he started screaming at me for his morning dose. I turned around to look, because it sounded like he was in the kitchen. He was standing on the breakfast bar, near where I put the syringe! We had words after that. Trouble is most definitely NOT allowed on the counters, and he knows it. I made him wait until he settled down before giving him his medicine. I don't want to encourage that kind of behavior. He's not acted up (at least nothing beyond the usual) since.

The new earpiece for my cell phone arrived in the mail today! I know that doesn't sound particularly exciting, but the wire is broken on the old one and it desperately needed to be replaced. I use that thing all the time. My elbows give me fits, and one of the most painful motions is to bend my arm and put my hand near my face. As in, you know, holding a telephone to your ear. (Strangely enough, eating doesn't bother my elbow at all. snort.)

I spent about an hour this evening reprogramming my Comcast DVR. Somehow, all my regular recording options got deleted. Maybe when the power blinked this afternoon. I really miss my Tivo. It was so much easier to program and maintain than what I have now, even if you don't consider all the malfunctions and problems I've had since switching over. I really wish the stupid digital conversion hadn't made my old Tivo basically obsolete. Stupid Congress.

Well, I guess that's all I have to say right now. Not terribly interesting, but if you've made it this far you probably didn't have anything better to do anyway! ;p

Can't...stop...SNEEZING!

I had an appointment with my Rheumy yesterday, and in the constant quest to get my fatigue under control we've decided to switch out my antihistamine. I've taken Claritin daily for ages, and I don't believe it was making me tired. But it wasn't doing much to keep my allergy symptoms under control, either. So as of yesterday I'm on Allegra. I guess (hope) it takes a little while to reach full effect, because I've been sneezing like mad for the last twenty-four hours. Ugh!

I also went in to the office to talk to my boss after my doctor's appointment. It was scary, because I had to admit something to him that I've known for myself for a while now- I'm not physically capable of working a 40 hour week right now, and it doesn't look like that's going to change anytime soon. Fortunately, it looks like one of my greatest fears isn't going to come true. I was afraid that if I admitted I couldn't come back that I'd be terminated, and I'd lose my disability insurance. I'm still not 100% sure what my status with the company is, but the LTD is safe. The policy stays in place as long as the disability is "medically supported". Since my Rheumatologist flat out told me that I'm in no condition to attempt full time work, I should be OK for the moment. And in the meantime we'll continue to tinker with my meds in the hope of getting me up and running again.

Harper's Island

I just finished watching the Harper's Island finale. I'd rewatched and gossiped and theorized enough that I wouldn't have been surprised no matter which of the suspects was the second killer. But I didn't see that last hour coming. It was weird and a bit of a let down. I'm going to have to think about the killers' motivations for a while. Mostly my reaction is "yeah, but...." It's disappointing because up to this point I really enjoyed the show. But the weak motivations make the whole thing feel pointless. In the real world murder may be stupid and pointless, but as part of a narrative all that death needs to have some sort of meaning.

I did it!

I've been going to a water arthritis class at the gym for almost two months now. The class is offered three times a week, and from the beginning my goal has been to make it to all three classes. This week I finally succeeded! The teacher today was a substitute, and I felt a little bad for her. We're a loosey-goosey group. It's more like herding cats than leading a typical exercise class. Our jaws get at least as much exercise as the rest of our bodies. But she still pushed us hard. I woke up sore this morning, and I was glad to get home after class and take a pill. And a nap. It was a lovely nap. :)

I'm worried about my friend Betty, though. Betty is a lady I met in the class and, like most everyone else who attends, she's at least in her seventies. Betty's a real character and was the first person to introduce herself when I started the class. She's known as the class troublemaker, because she's there for the gossip. Any exercise is strictly incidental! She didn't seem like her usual chipper self last Friday, and she hasn't been to class since. I found out the other day that she has some pretty serious back problems, and her doctor has told her no swimming. I suspect he doesn't really understand what we do in the class. It pretty low-intensity, and I can't imagine it would be harmful. If nothing else, the movement should help to keep her limber and moving. But I'm not a doctor. I just miss her in class and hope that she feels better soon. If you've got an extra minute, spare a good thought for my friend Betty. I'm sure she could use a few.

Funniest Thing EVER

I saw the funniest thing last week. I realize I'm showing my age here, but I am so sick of seeing droopy drawers everywhere I go. I feel like Denis Leary. PULL UP YOUR PANTS! So anyway, I'm driving down the street and come along a car that's apparently broken down. There are two guys behind it, pushing. As I'm coasting behind them, waiting for a chance to pass, one of the guys' pants start to fall down! So now he's waddling along behind the car, one hand on the bumper trying to push, and the other hand trying to hold up his pants! I just about lost it right there. What a perfect illustration of why this "fashion" trend is completely ridiculous.

Being Brave

One of the things you hear a lot about people with chronic diseases is how strong it makes them. That used to drive me nuts. "I'm only strong because I don't have a choice!" I'd think. "I want to be a wimp like everyone else!" But at two years in, I've discovered that there's a different side to all this.

It's not that I'm so strong. It's just that I've faced a lot of things that scare me, and I survived. That makes it easier to face your other fears. I've spent at least 10 hours in the dentist's chair this year. It's something I've needed to do for years, but I just kept avoiding it. On Friday I had a wisdom tooth removed. And you know what? None of it was a big deal. The extraction didn't even hurt. I wish I'd done it years ago.

Strangely, things that never used to bother me are the things that bring me the most anxiety these days. Before I got sick, I never had a problem leaving the house. I was always out somewhere- at the movies, meeting a friend for a meal, at the bookstore or just grocery shopping. Now leaving the house is an event. I plan carefully where I'm going, and half the time I put it off at the last minute.

So I guess I just appear strong because I no longer fear the things that healthy people do. Needles? No big. Medical tests? Bring it. The dentist? Been there, done that. But I still struggle. I still have fears. It's just that the things I fear are things that most healthy people take for granted. I think the lesson for me- for everyone- is to push through those fears and do it anyway. So far, nothing has been as bad as I thought it would be. Lately I've even started appearing in a bathing suit in public. After that, what else is there to be afraid of?

Easy Peasy

I'm happy to announce that I came through the wisdom tooth extraction with flying colors. I didn't even bother to take pain pills this morning- not even Tylenol- because it doesn't hurt! My cheek is ever so slightly puffy, and I have the tiniest shadow of a bruise, but that's it. I was told that the uppers are a lot easier to deal with than the lowers. It makes me feel pretty good about the next one that needs to come out (it's a lower), because even if it's more difficult than this one it could still be pretty easy.

The worst part of all of this has actually been dealing with the side effects of the pain medication they gave me. I haven't taken any in over 12 hours (it's supposed to last for 4 hours), and I still feel groggy and slightly nauseous. I was warned not to drive for at least 24 hours after taking my last dose, which is no problem because I laid in provisions and wasn't planning to go anywhere anyway. But that should have told me how rough this stuff would be. That and the fact that it was specially formulated with anti-nausea ingredients.

Well, writing and proofing this has taxed my brain about as much as I can stand right now, so I think I'll go back to bed and read some Amanda Quick!

Getting Ready

Tomorrow I'm having my cracked wisdom tooth removed. Yay! I'm not exactly looking forward to the expected pain, but I'll be glad when I can finally have something other than soft foods and can chew with both sides of my mouth.

I did a few things to get ready for the surgery and recovery. First, I cleaned out the fridge (boy did it need it) and caught up (sort of) with the dishes. I figure for at least the rest of the day tomorrow and Saturday I'm going to want to be able to fix myself something to eat with the least amount of hassle possible. In a little bit I'm going to make a bowl of jello. That should go down nicely. Tomorrow, since I'll be home all morning before the surgery, I plan to make a big batch of mashed potatoes and maybe some mac-n-cheese. That and instant oatmeal should get me through the first couple of days, no problem.

I also want to wash the linens tomorrow, so that I have nice clean sheets and towels to crawl into when I get home. And while I'm at it, I'm going to change the litter pan (aka My Favorite Chore Ever).

I picked up a couple of good books at the library this afternoon, including a Georgette Heyer and the latest Amanda Quick. I think the Quick will be my Saturday read. Her books are predictably enjoyable and enjoyably predictable. There are never any big surprises in the quality of the writing or in the plot lines. A good, not too challenging, comfort read should be just about my speed while hanging around the house on prescription pain meds. Whee!

I also picked up my prescriptions while I was out today. One of the four wasn't available. My doctor hadn't called in the refill even though I requested in Wednesday morning. I'm going to have to call and kick a little butt. I'm going to need this stuff by the end of the weekend. If I can't pick it up by noon I'm not going to have it. (The surgery is at 2.)

I was kind of surprised when they described everything they do to knock you out for a wisdom tooth extraction. First they give you laughing gas. Then once they've found a vein for the IV they use a numbing spray so you don't feel it, and then they hook you up to the IV and give you what's called Twilight Sleep. I've had it before. You aren't fully out, but you usually aren't terrible aware of what's going on around you, and many people don't remember much afterward. They offered me Valium to take ahead of time if I was nervous. I sat there listening to all of this and thinking "wimps!" I get IVs all the time. Never once has it been necessary to pre-drug me and then numb the area before insertion. Geeze Louise. I guess for an otherwise healthy person who has never had an IV before all that would be helpful. Especially if they were afraid of needles. I'm a little afraid of needles, but I've had to put on my big girl panties and deal with it in the last couple of years. You do what you've got to do and you move on with your day. No point in having a hissy about it. I'm already a little giggly coming out of Twilight Sleep, and prone to want to wander around looking at yarn. I wonder what kind of difference the laughing gas will make? I've never had it before.

So, soft foods, good books, all my meds (sort of), a couple of movies on the DVR, a handful of new dishcloth patterns and plenty of P&C, the worst of the chores taken care of, a ride to and from the surgery- it sounds like I'm ready to go!

Writing Rut

I'm in a rut. I've been working on the same book for two and a half years now. And yes, for two of those years I've had major health problems. But I'm really, really ready to move on, at least emotionally, even if the physical is struggling to catch up.

I feel like I'm in a rut with this story. The one note I get consistently from my critique group is "all dialog, no action." And they're right. That's how I write to begin with. As I edit this the pages I find myself cutting, cutting, cutting. The dialog rambles. It runs on for pages. It reveals stuff the audience doesn't need to know, either yet or ever. In the midst of all those cuts- sometimes half a page or more goes right out the window- I lose the idea of adding action and description. And that's just my major problem with the early chapters.

If feels like it's all info dump. But there's a lot of info that the various characters need. Daisy (and the audience) are totally new to this world. She needs to be told how everything works. Then we discover that Daisy has had some exposure to this world, and The Boss needs to know about it. Everything so far takes place in a beauty salon, except for a fight with her roommate, which exists illustrate how Daisy is an outsider with her own "people", so that we'll see clearly why she becomes so attached to her new situation and why she wouldn't just run for the hills at the first opportunity.

I've written up through the first major turning point. Daisy has done something that commits her to one side of the coming fight. My problem is, I don't know where to go from here. I picked up with this year's NaNo with a sub-plot. Someone comes to Daisy looking for help with an off the books job. I know more or less how that is going to resolve. I also know that it can't all happen in one blurp in the middle of the book. It's got to weave in with the other story lines. But for now, it's a blurp. I'll figure out how it weaves later. Being a sub-plot (although I think it's going to be a rather important one) the arc is much smaller. Less for the characters to do. That I'm not too worried about.

It's the continuation of the main plot that has me worried. There is an attack, and the group responds by.... I don't know. Counter attack would be an obvious plan. but counter attack who? There's no counter organization that they know of, all though there've been some fishy things happening lately. They don't have an id on the attackers. I guess they could work on that. But how? How do I want to have them figure it out? I don't want it to be cliche; I do want it to fit in with the world that I've built so far. There have to be multiple red herrings. More attacks on different fronts. The humans have formed their own little group- they could be a distraction.

Maybe I need to do some more work on my Big Bad. I know what she wants, I know some of what she's done or is doing to achieve it. Maybe I need to write a little bit more about her, figure out what she might see as a weakness to exploit or a danger to be eliminated. Maybe if I do that I will get a clearer picture of what comes next.

So far I've looked at this whole thing from Daisy's perspective. I've worked to put every obstacle I could in her path. Now, instead of thinking "what would be the worst thing that could happen to her now" I need to think "what's the best thing the opposition could do to reach their own goals right now."

Hmmm. Maybe that change in perspective will bounce me out of that rut.

Digging Out

I am not the worlds best housekeeper. My apartment is perpetually cluttered. There are books and papers and bills and knitting and yarn and piles of clean clothes and.... Basically everything you can imagine is scattered all over my living room. You can't even see the kitchen counters for the stacks of dirty dishes, and it's going to take some serious scrubbing to get all the burnt on gunk off the stove.

Usually I can step over, around, or through a mess and not even notice it's there. But this is beyond ignoring. So I'm taking advantage of this long weekend to try and shovel this place out. (I'm still not working, so a long weekend is really more psychological than anything. Except if I plan to do stuff at home I can avoid all the Memorial Day sales, and all those crowds. Plus, it's supposed to rain here all weekend, and I'm perfectly happy to avoid that, too.)

I'll be making a list shortly, but I'll spare you good people. I make my lists very detailed, so I feel like I'm really accomplishing something. (Very important when you generally speaking do nothing all day.) I've done a little bit already- washed a load of towels, cleaned the litter pan and took out the trash, and the dishwasher just finished. There will be many more loads of dishes and laundry, as well as much picking up and general organizing. I hope, by the end of the day on Monday, to be able to walk freely across the living room, not around stuff. I want all the laundry to be washed, folded, and put away. I want to be able to walk into the kitchen and cook anything I have the ingredients for, without checking to make sure the pan I need is clean. I want to be able to put my meal on the table without pushing things out of the way. And I want to be able to sit out the couch without moving stuff. (Except the cat. He sleeps where he will, and I can't be responsible for where he might choose to park it.) If I'm really, really on my game I might dust and even get out Troub's nemesis and vacuum the place.

The reality is the place will probably be just about as much a pit on Monday night as it is right now. But at least I have a goal. Even small changes will make my life easier and will make me happy. I'll let you know how it goes.

Shards of Miles

Recently I picked up Shards of Honor by Lois McMaster Bujold as an audiobook from Audible. Shards is the first book in the Vorkosigan series and covers the meeting of Miles's parents, Aral and Cordelia.

One thing that constantly amazes me when I go back and read (or listen to- I have all the Vorkosigan series available through Audible) earlier books in the series is how it's all there. The seed of Miles's personality is clearly there in both Aral and Cordelia. Aral runs right over his superiors and Cordelia considers herself socially awkward. He's constantly plotting and she's constantly charging into tight spots. It even cracks me up when Cordelia signs off on radio transmissions "Naismith out," just like her son will in 20 years or so. I never recognized these things the first time around. I wasn't familiar enough with the series. After listening to the other books umpteen times I'm even recognizing the names of soldiers who eventually become trusted armsmen in later books. No one appears from no where in this series. Even though the backdrop for these stories is all of space, the military and political society of Barrayar is a very small community. At this point in the series we know these people. If we've never met this particular character before then we know their father or uncle or something. It's as familiar as if we'd grown up there ourselves.

When I'm reading later books in the series I often find myself agreeing with Cordelia and some of the other more enlightened women of Miles's acquaintance who feel it's ridiculous to go through the dangers of a body birth when there are uterine replicators available. Duh. Who wouldn't? Except, whoops! We don't have those yet, do we? Sometimes I forget these books are only fiction.

Getting Lucky

The last couple of months have been extremely good reading time for me. Not only have some of my favorite authors come out with new books, but I've also discovered a couple of new favorite authors. I usually discover a new author that I really love about once, maaaaybe twice, a year. To have discovered two authors that I really love within the last 6 weeks or so is practically a miracle. Both authors write mystery series, and I've been scarfing them down as fast as humanly possible.

Some of the books I've particularly enjoyed recently are:

Bone Crossed- Patricia Briggs- This one wasn't as good as previous Mercy books, but still highly enjoyable.

What I Did For Love- Susan Elizabeth Phillips- I didn't particularly care for her last book, but this one was really good. SEP's characters are always flawed, sometimes seriously so, but by the end of the book you feel like they've grown as people and accepted each other, warts and all.

The Sharing Knife: Horizon- Lois McMaster Bujold- The only thing I didn't like about this book is that it neatly wrapped up a lot of loose ends for Fawn and Dag. This series was LMB's experiment in crossing the fantasy and romance genres. Now that the two main characters have found their happy ending, the series seems to be at an end. I hope she decides that she has more stories to tell in the world, because I really enjoy it. Of course, she could set a story in the local A&P, with a plot line consisting of what she needs to pick up for dinner tonight, and I'd still enjoy it.

Audrey, Wait!- Robin Benway- This one was just fun. If you want to analyse it, there was a lot of subtext- the American fascination with fame, our willingness to be famous for being famous, how fame messes with your head and your relationships. But mostly it was just a lot of fun. It's YA, so those of us 30-somethings who like teeny bopper TV and movies will totally enjoy it.

Graceling- Kristin Cashore- A fantasy with excellent world and character building. YA, more because of the ages of the protagonists rather than any simplicity in storyline. Some children are born with particular talents, or Graces. Those Graces can be just about anything. Those who have a Grace that is useful to the King become his to use in whatever way benefits him. Those with useless Graces are sent home to their families, where they become a burden because the general population fears them. A follow up book, which is actually a prequel, is scheduled for this fall, giving us more info about Graceling's baddie and where he may have come from. I've already got it on my wishlist for birthday/Christmas.

Endless Blue- Wen Spencer- Another really interesting world. It's a wild place, filled with shipwreck victims of different cultures and species, escaped bioengineered creatures, and land masses that float through the air. When Mikhail chooses to crash land in this place on purpose he has no idea what he'll find, if there's anything there to find, or if he'll ever be able to get out. The world building and set up was very good, but it felt like the author lost steam in the last quarter to third of the book. There were logical errors, and the whole thing just seemed to wrap up too quickly. The main characters all decided to return to the outside world for various reasons. But what made this story so interesting is that the sphere in which they were all trapped had developed a very Swiss Family Robinson society. Stuff would wash up, they'd rig what they had as best they could, and keep on going. The genetically engineered differences in the human population and the outright alien species encountered made for much more exciting reading than the bits of shipboard life we got to see before the crash. If Spencer decides to revisit this world, which I hope she does, I hope she focuses within the sphere and on trying to figure out where it came from and who created it. The politics of the outside world were of no interest to me at all.

Turn Coat- Jim Butcher- Another really good one from Jim Butcher. Some have complained that there wasn't enough forward movement in the overall story arc. I don't agree. One knowing spy is exposed, one unknowing spy is exposed (which cause fall out for Harry later on), bad things happen for Thomas (which I also expect to bleed into Harry's relationship with him in the next few books), an important Warden dies, and the Black Council finally begins to show themselves. I particularly enjoyed Ancient Mai's reaction when she realized that Harry has a Foo Dog. The Dresden Files are always a good read, and I fully expect them to continue to be so.

Impossible- Nancy Werlin- This one really blew my mind. Not because the story was particularly good, although I did like it. The premise is so out there, I can't believe that it hasn't been done before. I can't believe I didn't think of it myself! Are you familiar with the folk song "Scarborough Fair"? Simon and Garfunkel did a famous version of it in the 70's, but it's been around for a lot longer. If you listen carefully to the lyrics, it's a list of impossible tasks given to a lover. Another version of the song is called "The Elfin Knight". So what if the song is a riddle, handed down through a family as a way to teach the next generation what they must do to break an Elf's curse? The simplicity of the idea, and the fact that it was all there if you just bother to look for it, really just boggles me. Not that the author didn't make a few changes to tailor the song to the story she wanted to tell. But still. Makes you wonder what other stories I've been looking right past.

The Clare Fergusson/Russ Van Alstyne mysteries by Julia Spencer-Fleming- I've read 5 out of the 6 books in this series in the last couple of weeks. The first two books were excellent. Books three and four weren't so great. The author was trying something different in these two, and while I respect her for experimenting, they didn't work for me. Book five was really good again, and book six is waiting for me at the library. The mysteries in these books are pretty good, but the very best part is the developing relationship between Clare and Russ. The author has moved the relationship forward in the last couple of chapters of each of the books, which hooks you and makes you want to read the next book to see what happens between them.

The Lady Julia Grey mysteries by Deanna Raybourn- I read all three of these books in less than a week. These are fabulous, and I can't recommend them enough. Again, it's not the mysteries themselves that hook you in with this series, it's the relationship between Julia and Brisbane. Raybourn will have a stand alone mystery and another Julia Grey coming out next year. I can't wait.

Cracked

I've cracked! A tooth, that is. (The jury is still out on my mental state.) And how did I manage to crack a tooth? It happened last night while I was eating a hamburger. A hamburger! There wasn't even anything hard or weird in there that I bit down on. The tooth just split. I thought it was a filling that fell out, so I went to the dentist this morning to try to get it fixed. That would be so much simpler to fix. This is going to require a crown, which means two appointments- one to ground down the tooth and put on the temporary crown, and the second to put on the specially fitted permanent crown. If this one goes the way the last one did, I can expect to spend at least three hours in the dentist's chair in the next couple of weeks. Also, it costs $600. Ouch.

I could have started the process today, having my tooth ground down and the mold made so that the permanent crown will fit exactly right. But I just couldn't face it today. Plus, I needed to consider the financial situation. I have an appointment next Friday to get started. I'll just have to be careful and live on really soft food for the next week. It hurt when the tooth cracked, and it's been aching ever since. I don't want to find out how much more it would hurt for the tooth to split further. I really hope this isn't the beginning of even worse dental problems. I've heard that some people with Crohn's have problems with their teeth literally crumbling on them, and I really, really don't want that to happen.

Decide

I went to the doctor again today, and again I came away feeling like it's all in my head. I have legitimate disease, diagnosed and confirmed by multiple doctors. But my complaints are apparently just that, complaints. Not symptoms that need to be managed and controlled. I have a test scheduled for later this week, but it seemed more like she was humoring me than really looking for a problem.

I guess the only thing left for me to do is decide. If my problems are all in my head, then I should be able to just decide not to be sick anymore. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to be tired and dizzy. I won't be nauseous or headachy. As my doctor said today, "A little diarrhea is no reason not to work." So I'll just ignore the diarrhea and the body aches and the occasional joint pain and just get on with my life.

Starting tomorrow I've decided to stop being sick. Either it will work and I'll start to feel better, or I'll collapse from exhaustion. At this point I'm not sure that it matters which.

Music and YA

I've read several YA (Young Adult) novels in the last year that have a strong focus on music. The most recent was Audrey, Wait!, by Robin Benway. I get the connection with teens and music. At that age (I can't believe I'm old enough to use that expression!), I was obsessed with music, too. I knew all the lyrics, all the band names, the title of every song on the radio. These days, not so much. Other, much less interesting stuff has filled up all that brain space.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I understand the connection between youth and music, and why music was such an important part of these books. Unfortunately, incorporating music into a book is a tricky thing, and nine times out of ten, it doesn't work for me. Music is sound. No matter how moving the lyric is, it can't give you the feeling of the song. In Audrey, Wait! we heard all about how amazing this song was, but I wanted to feel it, to hear it myself. And in a book you just can't do that. Every chapter started with a couple lines of song lyrics, mostly by bands I'd vaguely heard of but wouldn't know if I tripped over them. (Apparently, I'm not quite the hip 30-something I thought I was.) Out of the dozens and dozens of music references in the book, I recognized only two or three.

I realize that I'm not the target audience for Audrey, Wait!, Nick + Norah's Infinite Playlist, Adios to My Old Life, and other books like them. Those references are a lot more meaningful when you know the songs. But they also contain lyrics invented specifically for the book. There is no song to listen to. So in the case of Audrey, where this song is so important to the whole book (the title Audrey, Wait! is also the name of a song that becomes massively popular and changes the main character's life), it loses a little something for me. I keep hearing about this song, but what I really want is to hear the song. I want to jump around and dance with the characters. But I can't. Because it's just a book and there is no song.

That's one of very few ways that reading falls short for me. A good author can take me just about anywhere you can imagine. Except when there's music involved.