Wednesday, May 04, 2011

The Crazy Train

I'm almost-- not quite, but almost-- ready to consider therapy.  The thing is, I still don't want to change.  And until I want things to be different, not my parents, not other people, I just don't see it being a worthwhile endeavor.

Because you see, what I want, what would make me happy, is for things to go back to the way they were before I had to move.  I don't want to be in Indiana.  I don't want to live with my parents.  I want to have complete control over 99% of my human interaction and mostly to be left alone.  Therapy can't give me my apartment in Houston back.  It also can't give me a body that doesn't hurt all the time or randomly and urgently expel everything I've eaten in the last week.  Which is what I want, part 2.  To be rid of all this physical stuff and live a normal life at home in Houston, where I belong.

And what others want from my therapy is stuff that I decidedly do not want.  Mom seems to think that therapy will make me want to spend time with her and listen to all her gossipy, whiny, repetitive stories.  Yes, I used to do that.  On the phone, where I could be totally ignoring her and doing something else.  Can't do that so much in real life.  I think therapy is also supposed to make me want to sit in the living room in the evenings and watch lots of Wheel of Fortune and the Hallmark channel.  I would NEED therapy after that, y'all.  I'll stick to my room and my Law & Order, CSI, and NCIS, thanks.

I'm also kind of worried about any meds this hypothetical future therapist might want to put me on.  There's a strong chance that they'll clash with what I'm already on.  (Fibro meds are in a similar class of drugs to a lot of anti-depressants.)  I don't want to change my meds.  They may not do a lot for me, but they're better than nothing, and thanks to the drug companies they're free.  New meds may or may not do anything for my pain and may or may not be free.  And the only other thing I've found that helps and doesn't make me violently ill is a narcotic that was pulled from the market because it was making people's hearts explode.  So it's the current stuff or nothing.

Yet I know the stuff I'm doing is not normal.  Hiding in my room 24/7.  Only leaving the house once a month, if that.  Dreading social interactions.  Staying up all night and sleeping all morning.  Losing track of the day, the date, friends.  Reading constantly to avoid real life.  I know these things aren't healthy.  But they're what I want.  They're the best I can do right now.  And the sheer energy involved in changing any of it is overwhelming to contemplate.  Especially when it's not going to get me what I really want anyway.

So that's why I haven't started therapy yet.  I'm getting there, maybe.  Probably.  But I'm not there yet.

6 comments:

  1. I have nothing for you but a great big hug. I hope it works out. But you are right, hibernating does not accomplish a thing. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

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  2. I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV (for closer to that, you'll have to get Megan over here), but I AM a friend, and I AM a witch. So, I have some qualifications for the following assvice.
    You don't need therapy right now. You are correct in thinking that it won't help with what ails ya at the moment. Sure staying in your room is not the best solution, but it seems to be keeping your grasp on sanity by giving you the space you need in a very limiting situation. You are living in a really uncomfortable way right now, by necessity, and not by your own making. When you are ready to seek outside help, or solutions, you'll know it. (Deargawd you are doing far better than I would in this situation!)
    I'll tell you the same thing I've told others, reach out, to those you know will support you, we are here.
    Julie

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  3. I've had depression for almost 30 years now, and I know that sometimes what I wanted and what I needed were different things. I wanted to hole up, but I needed to interact to keep form slipping farther in. It's hard. FGBVs that you find what you need. (Therapy AND privacy, maybe?)

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  4. I agree with Julie that, in your situation, I wouldn't be handling things nearly as well as you seem to be doing. I also agree with bettyfokker that interacting with the PERFECT THERAPIST for you could be enormously helpful. Now, finding that perfect therapist can be difficult, but for me, it was well worth the search.

    You know, you have a right to grieve for your lost space, for your lost place. That's completely normal and grief doesn't have an expiration date. If someone says, "Hey, you've been here awhile, you should be forgetting about Houston", they're wrong. You're going through a loss and trying to cope with pain and ailments that would flatten most people. I think you're amazing.

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  5. Awwww :-( . The one thing I think needs saying... a good therapist won't tell you what to do. Certainly not sit in the livingroom and watch horrible shows, spending too much time with a person you don't like spending a lot of time with.

    A good therapist isn't going to help you get to Your Mother's Idea of a Healthy Life. She will help you get to Your Idea of a Healthy Life, given your current circs. And she WILL NOT and CANNOT make you take meds!! That's your choice. A good therapist is a mirror, helping you see into your heart... not a drill sergeant.

    But. All the same. Only when and if you're ready. :-) I think the only person you need to be afraid of is yourself! If you think YOU are going to tell yourself to leave your room and go join a bookclub or a local lipgloss club, and you're not ready to hear youself say that yet :-D then that is coooool. You'll know when you're ready.

    But ignore the voice that's saying you'll have to watch the Wheel of Fortune. YIKES! Unless you have a deep dark yearning for W of F, that voice is not yours', it's your mom's.

    In the meantime... maybe it's not hiding but cocooning. Nurturing. :-) I am sending you much book vibes and Betty love and lip glossiness to aid you in your time of need. Take care sweetie.

    Your pal in bookliness,
    Mabelz

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  6. "...local lipgloss club..." LOL!

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