Sunday, October 17, 2010

Confession Time

In case you haven't noticed, I'm not too excited about moving back to Indiana.  Even the possibility of meeting the Great and Terrible Fokker hasn't been enough to get me jazzed about it.  I've known in my heart why this is bothering me so much, but I haven't shared it with anyone yet.  Well, what is a blog for if not confessing your darkest fears and secrets?  So here goes.

I was not happy when I lived in Indiana the first time.  We moved there just in time for me to start my freshman year of high school, and I didn't want to go then, either.  We'd been living in Texas, and I was really happy there.  I had lots of friends, and starting over at that age can be difficult.  (Of course, as I'm finding out, starting over at any age is difficult.)  Even thought I lived there for four years, I never really found my tribe.  I was in band, and I had band friends.  I was in honors, and I had honors friends.  But I never found friends that I really fit with.  I haven't kept in touch with anyone I knew in high school.

So even though I know this move is the best thing for my parents, that they are retiring in a place where they have many friends and roots in the community, there's nothing like that there for me.  Mom is over the moon that her two children will be in the same city with her for the first time in more than 15 years.  I'm glad that I'll get the chance to spend more time with my brother and that I'll be able to get to know my sister in law, whom I've only met three times.  But that opportunity doesn't outweigh the dread for me.

The biggest part of the problem, which I realize is going to totally contradict what I said above, is that I'm terrified of seeing anyone I knew in high school.  I'm sick, I'm fat, I'm not working, and I've moved across the country to live with my parents.  It's the perfect Hollywood vision of a loser.  And I feel like a loser.  And I don't want anyone who has ever known me to see me like that.  I don't know why this fear is so strong.  I haven't seen these people in nearly 20 years.  They have no meaning in my life, except as people I used to know a long time ago.  But I'm still afraid.

Somehow, I didn't feel this way in Texas,  The people who know me there watched my life tank.  They saw my health go down the toilet.  They know me and have learned to accept my limitations.  They love me anyway.  But all these new people, they don't know me any more.  I used to be slim (although I couldn't see it then) and energetic.  I was in the marching band and Academic Decathlon and a million other clubs and activities.  I was always going.  And yet all that activity has lead to no where.  I'm right back to where I used to be, living in Indiana with my mom and dad, having accomplished nothing.  It makes me want to curl up in a corner and hide.

10 comments:

  1. First off, dear, if you're a loser then so am I. Finding myself extricating myself from a failed marriage to be more painful than childbirth, I've moved myself (and son) back in with my mother. And I'm older than you. So I'm apparently a larger loser.

    Secondly, "Thor" is moving back home to Indiana. But I'll warn you to steer clear of him. He grew up with a mother who....well, let's just say that even now with the prospect of him moving back, her words are, "Don't expect to move back in with us." No wonder he's the non-communicative, incapable-of-relationship sort of man. Truly, I feel bad for him.

    But there's a silver lining here. Wait for it. Might take me a sentence or two to explain it. My son's deathly afraid of flying. So when he has to go up to visit his father (and we've already done this once), I have to fly there with him, then back to Texas. So I have a proposition. In order to save me on airfare...I'll drop him off, then come stay with you. (giggles) I love me some band people. My brothers still march in senior drum corps.

    Don't hide. I need someone in the kitchen with me. I'll do all the cooking, but I can use the company.

    *hugs*

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  2. Thanks, Stormy. I guess any time we take a step back in life (and isn't everything one step forward, two steps back?) it's a blow to the ego. I'm just really struggling with the idea of these people that I don't even know any more seeing me like this. In the last 10 years or so I've grown into a place where I pretty much do my own thing and to hell with what anyone else thinks, so it's doubly uncomfortable because I don't understand why I care. Maybe it's like regressing to teenagerhood when you're around your family. The idea of the people I knew in high school is regressing me back to those days.

    Although I must say, DRUM CORP! I haven't followed that stuff for years, but I was the biggest Santa Clara Vanguard fan back in the day. It should have been Star of Indiana considering where we lived, but I was Vanguard all the way.

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  3. Several things I need to say here:

    1. You are not a loser.
    2. Anyone who might think you are is (a) superficial and (b) probably on her third divorce by now anyway or done a stint in prison.
    I lived with my parents nonstop till i was 30 b/c of mom's health problems. Because she is a private person this was not shared with outsiders so instead of being the Caregiver, which would allow me to be self-righteous, i was the perpetual teen. I was sooo embarrassed by my life. But it wasn't that bad. So I leave you with this from The Mirror Has Two Faces (an old fave and one about a fortysomething living with mom btw):
    "How would it look, Rose, the mother going out on a date while the daughter stays home?"

    "Ma, WHO'S LOOKING????"

    seriously--everyone's preoccupied with their own shit. "they" are not as fascinated by me as I am, honestly. I'm willing to bet that anyone who knew you in school will say and think the following: Hey, I didn't know you were back in town! and She was really smart in school. I hope she doesn't think I'm a loser for marrying that fat drunk guy/still checking groceries/having nineteen cats.

    :)

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  4. Becky,
    First of all, you will have your Betty community no matter where you go. We are your tribe, babe. We've got your back.

    Second of all, as Fokker would say, Fokk that sh*t. You are who you are, and Fokk anyone who doesn't get the joke. You have nothing to prove to anyone.

    I've been there, so I get it. I spent 16 years seriously ill and not able to measure up to my standards of what a contibuting member of society was. I worried about people judging me. And some of them did. But not anyone who mattered. (You can tell who matters by the fact that they're not judging you!)

    Good for you for admitting your fear. And for doing what you need to do anyway. Hang in there; things will get better. Your FairygodBetty says so :-)

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  5. Like they said.
    I also live with my parents for various reasons. I don't *think* I'm a loser...
    and I know you're not. You're just dealing with some rotten circumstances, and you're making the best you can of it. 'Family Values' gets a very narrow definition in this culture, don't let it squeeze you too tight!
    The people you may meet from high school have collected their own set of dings and scratches, most interesting people have. It gives them perspective. None of them are 18 any more, although a few may not realize it, and I bet most of them will take you as they find you.
    Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend, we can tell that you have a lot to offer to the world.

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  6. Huh, new Google account, M = MaineBetty =-)

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  7. You are not a loser. You are a Betty.
    It can be hard to face people who you feel are judging you - believe me, I know about this. But you have a choice in how you react, and how you let them make you feel. And anyone who tries to make you feel bad is an asshat. Your feelings should be honored, and blogging about this is a good way to deal with it. We will be here for you. But DO NOT allow this fear to ruin your new move. Turn those feelings into stories, let the move inspire a book, keep blogging and knitting and taking care of yourself. Let us know when you need some cheerleading.

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  8. Thanks, everyBetty! You've got me crying here, in a good way. Betties are the best!

    Oh, and by the way, The Mirror Has Two Faces? Excellent movie!

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  9. Repeat after me:

    I'm a Betty. Everyone wants to be me or do me.

    and as my work bff told me when I was angsting about my in-laws hating on me, "Be your sweet self and if they don't like it they can go straight to hell." :)

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  10. Well, I arrived slightly late tonight, so all the good stuff has been said. Here's my assvice though, first, go read those comments again, jot down notes if you need to. (Especially the "be me or do me" part, that will make you smile everytime.)
    Second, Sweetie, this is not a step back to your high school years, it is a step forward into this next portion of your life. We all agree, this portion of your life sucks right now, that does not make it any less valid. You are strong enough to get through it, and with that strength you will show others the way, you will learn and then you will teach what you have learned (you have already helped my own mother).
    Yes, write about this, here, other blogs, as stories or novels, or just scribbled notes, but write about it. It gets it out, on more levels than you can imagine.
    Julie
    (...everyone wants to be me or do me.)

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