In case you haven't noticed, I'm not too excited about moving back to Indiana. Even the possibility of meeting the Great and Terrible Fokker hasn't been enough to get me jazzed about it. I've known in my heart why this is bothering me so much, but I haven't shared it with anyone yet. Well, what is a blog for if not confessing your darkest fears and secrets? So here goes.
I was not happy when I lived in Indiana the first time. We moved there just in time for me to start my freshman year of high school, and I didn't want to go then, either. We'd been living in Texas, and I was really happy there. I had lots of friends, and starting over at that age can be difficult. (Of course, as I'm finding out, starting over at any age is difficult.) Even thought I lived there for four years, I never really found my tribe. I was in band, and I had band friends. I was in honors, and I had honors friends. But I never found friends that I really fit with. I haven't kept in touch with anyone I knew in high school.
So even though I know this move is the best thing for my parents, that they are retiring in a place where they have many friends and roots in the community, there's nothing like that there for me. Mom is over the moon that her two children will be in the same city with her for the first time in more than 15 years. I'm glad that I'll get the chance to spend more time with my brother and that I'll be able to get to know my sister in law, whom I've only met three times. But that opportunity doesn't outweigh the dread for me.
The biggest part of the problem, which I realize is going to totally contradict what I said above, is that I'm terrified of seeing anyone I knew in high school. I'm sick, I'm fat, I'm not working, and I've moved across the country to live with my parents. It's the perfect Hollywood vision of a loser. And I feel like a loser. And I don't want anyone who has ever known me to see me like that. I don't know why this fear is so strong. I haven't seen these people in nearly 20 years. They have no meaning in my life, except as people I used to know a long time ago. But I'm still afraid.
Somehow, I didn't feel this way in Texas, The people who know me there watched my life tank. They saw my health go down the toilet. They know me and have learned to accept my limitations. They love me anyway. But all these new people, they don't know me any more. I used to be slim (although I couldn't see it then) and energetic. I was in the marching band and Academic Decathlon and a million other clubs and activities. I was always going. And yet all that activity has lead to no where. I'm right back to where I used to be, living in Indiana with my mom and dad, having accomplished nothing. It makes me want to curl up in a corner and hide.