There are many subjects I've addressed on this blog that have had certain readers reaching for the brain bleach. My hemorrhoids. Farkle the Friendly Carbuncle. Probably some other stuff that's not coming to mind at the moment. But there's one thing I haven't addressed: sex.
That's hard for me. Although you may doubt this considering some of the other things I've chosen to share, I really am a very private person. I have a hard time putting myself out there, expressing my desires, and I think it's the biggest reason why at 36 I still have limited relationship experience. I hide it all behind a wall, and I've been told that reserve can be pretty intimidating. That boggles my mind, because I often feel too intimidated to reach out. (Actually, that bit crosses over into platonic relationships. It's scary for me sometimes even to hold a hand out in friendship. Once I push through that self-imposed barrier I usually do OK. But making first contact is *hard*. And it's almost as hard to reach out a second time if for some reason communication peters off.)
I'm not quite sure how I ended up on that tangent. That's not where I was heading with this. I guess maybe I just wanted to say that this is an area that I'm not the most comfortable getting personal about.
My current situation-- disabled, mid-thirties, living with puritanical parents-- doesn't make having a sex life easy, even the kind that doesn't require a partner. It's a pretty neglected area of my life.
The last few days have been unusual to say the least. In the normal run of things I leave the house about once a month. In the last three days I've been to Michaels, Hobby Lobby (twice), Meijer, the vet, my brother's house (briefly), Buca di Beppo to pick up dinner, and then Mom's birthday dinner at home last night. By the time my brother and sister-in-law left around 10 I was completely exhausted and in major pain.
And then I got online. I got a wild hair and wandered over to a personals site that I poke around at every once in a while. I had a couple of lovely, raunchy conversations, and by the time I logged off I was a new woman. I was relaxed. I felt good, with far less pain than I'd had in days. My feel good still isn't normal. If I think about it I realize that I have a low-level, nagging headache, and my body still hurts. But the change is amazing.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. Maybe I just needed to tell someone how wonderful this was. Maybe I need to start cracking open this part of my life. It's not something that I plan to go into intimate detail about. But just acknowledging that I have sexual desires instead of keeping it all locked down tight feels like a good first step. It helps that I still feel, for me, fucking fantastic.