Monday, August 15, 2011

We Are Entering.... The Freak Out Zone

OK. My hearing is 36 hours away.  Y'all, I am freaking the hell out.  The rest of this post may be TMI, so feel free to either click away or scoot to the bottom and leave a comment, whichever you prefer.

Today was not a good day bathroom-wise.  I know it's a combination of stress and the flare I experience every month.  And I know it's only going to get worse over the next two days.  (My hearing is naturally scheduled for the first day of my period-- my most poop-o-rific day of the month.)  And for some reason my left wrist and elbow, the wrist and elbow least likely to give me a hard time, both decided to play up today.  The ones on the right are slightly achy, but well within the normal range.  Which means if I think about it I realize they hurt, but they aren't twinging and demanding my attention.

To add to the stress, my hearing will be not only on the first day of my period, but also on MTX day, which I occasionally refer to as Poison Day when I'm feeling grumpy about it.  MTX is a chemo drug, a poison.  I take it one day a week to bring my immune system down enough that it hopefully won't try to eat a hole in my insides.  It's not a fun drug.  It knocks me out flat-- we're talking Jr Narcoleptic time-- and frequently gives me the mother of all headaches.  I'll have to be sure I pack my sunglasses, just in case.  Part of me, the conniving part, thinks all this is a good thing.  Let them see me at my day-to-day worst (understanding that if/when the Crohn's rages out of control I'm looking at symptoms an order of magnitude beyond that-- and probably a hospital visit).  The practical side of me is thinking this is a terrible idea and wondering how I'm going to hold it together under all that stress on what will probably be my worst symptom day of the month.

For the last week I've been preparing mentally.  Thinking about the questions he's likely to ask and how I might answer.  I've also been mentally rehearsing interrupting the hearing to make a bathroom dash, if necessary.  (I feel like I've adapted to the indignities my condition treats me to on a regular basis, but the thought of holding up legal proceedings, with all those Lawyers, because I've ohmygodgottagorightnoweverybodyoutofthepool is not a comfortable one.)  Tomorrow I need to weigh myself, because they'll want a recent weight, and I need to find a letter (pretty sure I know where it is), and make sure everything I want to wear on Tuesday is clean and ready to go.  And then tomorrow evening I need to take a shower and figure out some way to get some sleep and not explode from stress.  And then Tuesday afternoon will be The Big Moment.  Mom and Dad want to go out to eat somewhere afterwards, to celebrate I guess, even though it's very unlikely I'll get a decision at the hearing.  (It will probably come in a letter in a month or two.)  I think I'd rather come home to my own bathroom while my body no doubt continues to attempt to expel foods I haven't even eaten yet.  Speaking of, it's about time for me to make another pit stop.  Thank god that bathroom reading is accepted practice around here, or I'd be so screwed.

So anyway, that's why I'm Freaking The Fuck Out right now.


  1. Anonymous2:16 PM

    I send you as many FGBVs as you can hold. Many many many calm and loving thoughts are being sent your way by all Betties.
    Maine Betty

  2. Hugs! And super glittery fgbvs!!!!

    Hoping everything goes well and it's a massive relief to have it over with despite the fact that the timing's a bitch.

    I have a friend with fibro who (TMI) uses the nuvaring to prevent periods so she doesn't have the major agony symptoms every month...I have zero clue what it would do to someone struggling with crohns but it might be worth looking up to save yourself a pooptastic adventure.

  3. Hang in there kid. It is going to be okay. I hope the hearing goes in your favor. FGBVs!!!

  4. Anonymous12:10 AM

    WEBS Becky, we've got your back! Or in this case, your potty... okay, yeah that didn't quite work, but you know what I'm saying.

    Once Tuesday is over with, well it's over with, so that will be out of the way.
    (I don't think going out AFTER this is a good idea at all. At. All.)

    Breath. Potty. Breath. Potty. Breath. Rinse and repeat.
    p.s. Take a comfort lip balm along too.

  5. Thanks for the support everyBetty! I'm still freaking out, but not desperately so. I watched a lot of TV today, and I started The Fortune Quilt (although I'm not past the first scene yet). I think the distraction has helped.

    We're not going out for dinner after. I think my parents saw it as a moment to celebrate-- and I think maybe planning to celebrate was a little bit of subconscious sympathetic magic on their parts. (Although they wouldn't appreciate the label.) If we plan to celebrate then the universe will come through with a reason to celebrate. We all know that there's very little chance that I'll walk out of that hearing with approval in hand. It'll probably be a month or two before I'm notified one way or another. But I think we're all still hoping for best case scenario and an instant approval.

    Instead Mom is planning to do chicken in the crockpot. I'm much more comfortable with this plan. I want to get out of there and collapse.

    Diva: Thanks for the reminder. I've considered going on some form of birth control to rein in the hormones and hopefully control the flares. But it can also make things worse, and sometimes you have to try a couple different kinds before you find the one that works for you. I've been a little afraid to tinker with it. Once I have medical insurance again it's an area I want to explore.

  6. Oh, and Julie-- I'm wearing my happy peppermint lip balm right now! Cat Pee and Strawberry Dream Pie are already packed in my purse, ready for tomorrow. And I may slip the peppermint in there tomorrow morning for luck.

  7. How are you feeling now? How do you feel it went? :-) :-O


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