Annoyance #1: There was a cop killed in Indianapolis recently. It's a terrible thing. He pulled someone over for a traffic stop, and the guy shot him. There are many things about this which are bad, including the fact that the guy was erroneously out on bail, and shouldn't have been out and free to be shooting people in the first place. But the reaction to this has been extreme. They rented out a sports arena to hold the funeral. Reportedly, thousands of people attended today, in the middle of an ice storm. They televised the service. It was on for hours. Literally, multiple hours. My mother watched the whole thing, TV cranked to the max as usual. I had to hide in my room with the door closed, listening to ABBA and Katy Perry to drown the whole thing out.
I'm willing to admit that my less-than-ideal emotional state is at least partially, if not mostly, to blame for the aggravation this is causing me. But I can't handle listening, even second hand, to two or three hours worth of funeral right now, even if the whole thing didn't strike me as an overblown media circus. I'm very sorry the man died, especially when he was serving the public and the man who killed him should never have been out in the first place. But the hoopla is distasteful.
Annoyance #2: This one is both gross and embarrassing, but since I'm being unpleasant anyway, I'm just going to go ahead and (over)share. I can't shower every day. My skin (like the rest of me) hates the cold and dryness, and showering daily makes the whole thing worse. Plus, showering is hard work, and I just don't have the energy for it. Last week I went for several days, it may have been like 5, without showering. Objectively, I know that's gross. It's embarrassing to admit. But I didn't want to, so I didn't. (In the rational part of my mind, I know that this is a fairly big red flag that there's something not good going on in my head. Unfortunately, that's only a very small part of my mind. The rest is saying "fuck it", which is why I think I probably need to find a psychiatrist pretty soon.) I finally took a shower on Sunday night, when Mom refused to serve dinner until I'd bathed. And then I showered again last night (but didn't wash my hair, that was just too much effort) when Mom started in on how we were going to lose power and I might not get a chance again for a while. We didn't lose power. (Obviously, or you wouldn't be reading this post.) Today, after showering two days in a row, I am in itchy misery. I'm scratching my pits like a monkey. It's not pleasant, and it's not pretty. And Mom is hassling me again to take another shower. Fuck that. I am not showering today. Maybe not tomorrow either. Go away.
After venting Annoyances #1 and #2, Annoyances #3-5 don't seem so significant. I want to hide out in my room, reading and listening to the most cheerful music I can find. I don't want to interact with my parents. I don't want them coming and standing in my door and talking to me. (Which my mother does all the time, and which is bugging the ever loving fuck out of me.) I want all my interactions to be on my own terms. The internet is perfect for that. Living with other human beings is not. I don't want to live here any more.
My plan was to try to post every day this month. February is a short month anyway, so why not? Although, after that screed I'm not sure anyone is going to want to read any of it.
Going back in my hole now.