Tuesday, February 01, 2011

In Which I Am Unpleasant

I have many annoyances and frustrations today.  And so I thought, why not share them with you?  That is what the internet is for after all.  Ranting and porn.  Sorry, no porn today.

Annoyance #1:  There was a cop killed in Indianapolis recently.  It's a terrible thing.  He pulled someone over for a traffic stop, and the guy shot him.  There are many things about this which are bad, including the fact that the guy was erroneously out on bail, and shouldn't have been out and free to be shooting people in the first place.  But the reaction to this has been extreme.  They rented out a sports arena to hold the funeral.  Reportedly, thousands of people attended today, in the middle of an ice storm.  They televised the service.  It was on for hours.  Literally, multiple hours.  My mother watched the whole thing, TV cranked to the max as usual.  I had to hide in my room with the door closed, listening to ABBA and Katy Perry to drown the whole thing out.

I'm willing to admit that my less-than-ideal emotional state is at least partially, if not mostly, to blame for the aggravation this is causing me.  But I can't handle listening, even second hand, to two or three hours worth of funeral right now, even if the whole thing didn't strike me as an overblown media circus.  I'm very sorry the man died, especially when he was serving the public and the man who killed him should never have been out in the first place.  But the hoopla is distasteful. 

Annoyance #2:  This one is both gross and embarrassing, but since I'm being unpleasant anyway, I'm just going to go ahead and (over)share.  I can't shower every day.  My skin (like the rest of me) hates the cold and dryness, and showering daily makes the whole thing worse.  Plus, showering is hard work, and I just don't have the energy for it.  Last week I went for several days, it may have been like 5, without showering.  Objectively, I know that's gross.  It's embarrassing to admit.  But I didn't want to, so I didn't.  (In the rational part of my mind, I know that this is a fairly big red flag that there's something not good going on in my head.  Unfortunately, that's only a very small part of my mind.  The rest is saying "fuck it", which is why I think I probably need to find a psychiatrist pretty soon.)  I finally took a shower on Sunday night, when Mom refused to serve dinner until I'd bathed.  And then I showered again last night (but didn't wash my hair, that was just too much effort) when Mom started in on how we were going to lose power and I might not get a chance again for a while.  We didn't lose power.  (Obviously, or you wouldn't be reading this post.)  Today, after showering two days in a row, I am in itchy misery.  I'm scratching my pits like a monkey.  It's not pleasant, and it's not pretty.  And Mom is hassling me again to take another shower.  Fuck that.  I am not showering today.  Maybe not tomorrow either.  Go away.

After venting Annoyances #1 and #2, Annoyances #3-5 don't seem so significant.  I want to hide out in my room, reading and listening to the most cheerful music I can find.  I don't want to interact with my parents.  I don't want them coming and standing in my door and talking to me.  (Which my mother does all the time, and which is bugging the ever loving fuck out of me.)  I want all my interactions to be on my own terms.  The internet is perfect for that.  Living with other human beings is not.  I don't want to live here any more.

***

My plan was to try to post every day this month.  February is a short month anyway, so why not?  Although, after that screed I'm not sure anyone is going to want to read any of it.

Going back in my hole now.

7 comments:

  1. HUGS!

    In the interest of the overshare, I can only use cetaphil cleanser otherwise shower=itchy. Have you tried that? Also, the secret to a happy shower is having a seat in the shower. Get a cheap dollar store stool to sit on. You'll thank me. Also, can I suggest a little peppermint oil on the back of your neck--it helps when I'm all aggravated to breathe something that smells nice. I am NOT suggesting that you don't smell nice, I am merely saying that sometimes I need my own space and that includes my own AIR SMELLS lol.

    Give Troub a cuddle. Watch a movie that makes you laugh till you snort. Also drink chocolate milk which makes the snort laughter more memorable.

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  2. My Most Dearest and Highly Loveable Becky, I have JUST typed up tonight's blog (it will post in under an hour), in which I said "we can say whatever the hell we want on our blogs!" Or something like that.
    You have every right (more rights than many, in fact) to whine and be as unpleasant as you wish. THIS is your place!
    On showering: I have Mexican heritage, and all jokes aside, I tend to be a fairly oily/greasy kinda gal. However, I DETEST showering. I DETEST bathrubs. And I REALLY DETEST hot tubs. Also, I get itchy too. You'd think I would have enough "natural" moisturizing qualities, I do not. I must slather my wee self elf with emolients, a LOT. You are a grown-up, do what you need to do, when you need to do it, on your own terms.
    About cop shootings and the media: there was one shot here recently as well, thankfully he did not die of his injuries. The guy you lost, it is tragic beyond imagining. I can NOT even consider what his family is going through. However (yes again), the way this is being "broadcast" is obscene. I agree with you. Just wish I could reach in and turn off your mother's TV.
    Now, I need to go deal with that mini-review I promised.
    Also, Lora is right, peppermint oil is WAY soothing. Try it.
    Julie

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  3. Thank you, ladies!

    I was a little worried about how you would take today's post, Julie. Every time I'd get aggravated about all the media attention on this, I'd think of you and your family and feel petty. I think all the bad stuff in the media in the last month is really getting to me, and I need to disconnect from it all for a while.

    Also, I can't help but wonder if the Indianapolis police department hasn't jumped on this as a PR opportunity. Since we've been here there's been one "whoops, we beat up a black kid for the crime of being black" and one "whoops, one of our guys showed up drunk to work and crashed his cruiser into someone and killed them". The Fallen Hero goes a long way toward wiping out the image of those who've been a lot less heroic lately. My kinder, gentler side keeps reminding me that this is the first officer they've lost in 4 years, so it's a pretty big shock to the department. But my cynical side thinks there's probably a pretty big dollop of the first motive, too.

    I haven't tried cetaphil, so I'll definitely check it out. Anything to stop the itchy! I don't have any peppermint oil, either, and there will be no chance to go looking for some until this ice storm passes. But I do have a nice, handmade lip balm with peppermint oil in it. I just smoothed some on. Not only does it give me a nice whiff of peppermint, it leaves my lips all cool and tingly.

    I hadn't considered a shower stool. That may be something I need to look at. I've recognized lately that my coping mechanism for pain is to automatically work around it. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it. My way of coping with the pain and fatigue (and itchiness) of bathing was just to not bathe. Although I was aware of making the decision not to bathe every day for the itchiness. It was the other stuff I wasn't acknowledging. Some of it is also a denial thing-- I'm only 36 years old. Why do I need old lady stuff like a shower stool? But reality is that maybe I do need it. Once again, I must redefine the line between ego and practicality. Ugh.

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  4. Hey old lady...My shower has a built in stool on the side it is also a zero clearance walk in shower. I can sit down to shave my legs which increases the likelihood that I will actually shave them. It is sooo easy and comfy and when my grandma broke her pelvis, I was the only one with a no-stairs home and walk in shower she could go into and sit down. My mom and aunt immediately went "I wish I had a shower like that!" :)

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  5. No worries over the opinions you expressed. I agree completely. The sad fact about cops is that they most often go into this job because it is an ego-boost, like "I can do whatever I want because I have a badge and you don't." (Have you read Hanna's NaNo story she wrote? My daughter grew up with a cop/but not really a cop for a dad, and now has one as a brother, her take on this issue is brilliant.)
    Back to being itchy. Are you able to tolerate supplements? Because taking vitamin E capsules is really good for your self-moisturizing.
    Julie

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  6. Hmm. I don't know about the vitamin E off the top of my head. There are some things that clash with my meds and some that don't. I'll do some research online, and by the time the ice sheet melts and everything opens up again, I'll probably know if I can put it on the list or not. Thanks for the tip!

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  7. (I was reading your latest book reviews on Goodreads, and finally came to your home blog rather than the book blog. So here's me doing some backblog reading!)

    I totally hate showering!! With no health issues as an excuse. But there must be others because #946 on the List of 1000 Awesome THings is:

    "The first shower you take after not showering for a really long time"

    ;-)

    http://1000awesomethings.com/2008/09/04/946-the-first-shower-you-take-after-not-showering-for-a-really-long-time/

    I'm unemployed at the moment, and though generally not depressed about it -- the other day my husband came home and I had a knot in my hair (it knots easily and I'd just gotten up cause I sleep late) -- he said: "Please don't take this the wrong way... but if you could just sort of brush out the knot in your hair... you look like the stereotypically depressed unemployed person."

    lol

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Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate it!